The last few days have been a ROLLER COASTER, I am going to be very open
in this post & maybe brutally honest.
Friday AM started out early, as my oldest daughter , Nicole, my BFF, Marcia
and I had plans to go get some post surgery camis.
I'm sitting at the table, reading email..hubby is still home..and I hear a LOUD whine..
tis coming from the lower level..I go down there..KNOWING it's the furnace
and as I open the door to that room..I hear a clunk and a puttering out..and the
blower stops. ICK
Hubby comes down from the bedroom, I'm back in the kitchen, he makes a comment about that noise, which I tell him was the furnace. He's getting ready to LEAVE ,
" I think the furnace needs to run before you leave"
it WILL NOT..the blower isn't turning on..it's a MAJOR ordeal, he says it'll cost
thousands..and acts MAD..I start sobbing..I can't stop, I'm out of control...crying so hard
I start gagging..and he says..LOL
"Stop crying or I'll spank you"
Well, I do laugh, but I can't stop my hysteria..
Hubby calls someone..it's about 8.30 AM
and tells me someone will be out between 11 & 1 to fix it if they
can. (they did come about 3PM and had the part we needed and we had heat by 4PM)
He tells me to go, I do...
I pick up my daughter, go put down the deposit for Rich's dad's apartment
then we pick up Marcia..and head for the Plaid Daisy ..
We get camis and a "bra" for after surgery, when I can wear one
again..go to lunch..
At lunch my daughter told me she was talking to her soon *to* be* ex husband..he's
so rotten..he told her ..go home to your cancer infested mom..HE knows what
to say to hurt her!!! and she didn't realize she shouldn't share it..I broke out
in tears when she told me that..I do NOT have cancer because I did something
wrong!!!!!!!!!!!! I am NOT "infested" I am HIS son's grandma. I am a friend.mom, wife, daughter, WOMAN with a huge heart..and I am tender.
My daughter is tired and wants a nap before work, so we drop her at home.
Marcia and I go to The Cancer Center for Healthy Living..
get on the mailing list and find out about their FREE services..
yoga ..a nutritionist..(going this week) ..and massages , but 20.00
an hour..I have 20.00..I'm going to call for an appt..THIS WEEK.
The boys came over..hence the post about my Cancer Sucks button..
Saturday was good, I pretty much stayed in bed and watched
my Dvr'd shows..The Sopranos & Law and Order, SVU...
then off to a wonderful Christmas Dinner at one of my
fave restaurants, when we got home the power was out..
and Rich's dad was in bed..I called the power company
and she said the crew was out..and 5 minutes later it was
back on after 1.5 hours of being off..SO here comes' Rich's dad
out in his tiny boxer shorts..walking around like its time to
party..OK, that's it , BED for ME..
Come Sunday..UGH...I am so stressed out about everything..I act
like a BRAT..I want my husband to MYSELF..I'm tired of
sharing my home and my life with someone who doesn't
acknowledge I even live here..I even CURSED at my husband
cuz he was pouting cuz the DIsh Network wasn't working..LIKE WHO CARES!!
He's acting mad..and I'm suppose to go to the movies..so I ask for some cash..he
throws it at me..I am furious by now..I grab the cash and my purse and LEAVE!!
I meet my friends..we have lunch..then go to see the movie
AUTUMN RUSH
tis sooooo good...I loved it..I cried (of course, my nickname is WB..for Water BAG)
my friends brought Christmas presents..and I didn't ..but I will ..they will
come visit after my surgery..We LAUGH at old work stories...at lunch..I love it
I could write a book!!! In fact, I think I will!! teehee..
After the movie, I went to the shoppes..got some gloves and a CUTE
jacket..then went home..to THE GRINCH AND THE TROLL...
Needless to say, I'm in my room..simmering..wanting to run downstairs and
YELL
I have cancer!!!!! see me..I'm here..I matter..I hurt..I'm sad, I'm scared..do you care????
Rich made supper for his dad, I heard him..He didn't come ask me if I wanted
anything.. THE BEARS must be LOSING..cuz he's a BEAR when they do.
I asked him to do TWO things today..and he didn't do either..EVEN though
he said he would..I can't drag our huge tree up the stairs ..so I can
decorate it..and he told me he would paint shutters today..he promised..
WELL, I am so disappointed..I am almost wishing I could just
go to the hospital now and STAY..I don't need stress , anger or
resentment..and I have it all..
Sure maybe I started it...but come on..give me a BIG OLE BREAK...I need love
too.. Some days.. my hubby is the BEST ..and some days.. I'd like to SLAP him...
and you know what???? I bet HE feels exactly the same way about me...that's the
human in us..
Men just don't get it sometimes.
Gosh ..what will I be acting like in one more week???
A LUNATIC , I bet..!!! Pray for me..my friends who need prayer
and my HUSBAND.
I need him to be kind right now..so I need to be kind.
My head hurts and I'm going to bathe in that tub you see above..and I guess
I'll take some Tylenol PM and hope tomorrow brings ME a new attitude.
fondly, Deena
the witchypoo
Ok..here's one work story
REAL truth
Remember I was a banker in my real world life..
we had a teller who wanted the day off and the Teller Supervisor said no..
so the morning of the day she wanted off, she stopped in the lobby, used the
pay phone to call in a Bomb Threat...Well, the bank didn't get shut down..no one
got to go home, but she did get found out later and the FBI came for her.
WE laughed about that..cuz.
when my BFF came in to work that day, she passed thru that
lobby.
Later our Security Officer said 911 tracked the call to the lobby pay phone
and asked my BFF is she saw anything when she came in to work..she said
no , but you might ask (insert the teller's name who made the call here) ..she was on the phone
when I came in, maybe she saw something..ROFL..we can laugh 15 years later..
but it wasn't so funny then!!!
I wish I was there to give you a big hug because you need one. Men don't get it 99.9 percent of the time. I will pray for you. I pray the Lord God will surround you with angels to minister peace to you now. I pray he will open the eyes of your family to their insensitive behavior and that He will open their eyes to your hurt and suffering and that they will shower you with kindness. In Jesus name I pray. Amen love Nita
ReplyDeleteHave you ever listened to Love Divine by Seal? It is one of my favorite songs. You can find it in youtube.
Deena,
ReplyDeleteVisualize yourself wrapped in a beautiful ,soft ,glowing ,warm pink light.....
when things aren't going so perfect, wrap yourself in this light and protect yourself from negative things...think pretty thoughts--men don't understand -so we can't expect it or we will be let down. You need to be in a positive place for this season in your life-smile, and the world smiles with you.....
sending healing thoughts your way...
Brenda Bliss
Deena,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that things are so chaotic in your life right now. Men are sometimes insensitive to our needs. Many times they don't get it.
Just sent you an email, my friend. I will pray for you and your husband and your FIL. Take care and try to get lots of rest and keep your eyes heavenward. May God's light shine upon you and may His angels wrap you in their wings to protect you from things of this world.
Love and hugs,
Mary
A nice hot soak in the tub is a great idea.
ReplyDeleteYou are not infested!Yes, that was mean and hateful- Meant to hurt your daughter. Send that venomous lie back to the bit of hell where it came from and do not allow it to lodge in your heart.
Father, I pray that you would wrap your arms around Deena and comfort her. I pray that you'd strengthen her physically and spiritually for the journey ahead. Send your angels to minister to her and give her a deep peaceful sleep tonight. Amen
I'm glad you are getting these emotions out into the open. I hope you realize that your reactions are natural and "normal". You are still in the stage of anger, disbelief and shock at being diagnosed with cancer. You are afraid and you are uncertain. I'd be worried about you if you weren't. Everyone around you is affected by this too but you can't worry about that...close your ears to what others think/do/or say. Your soon to be ex son-in-law is lashing out because he's going through crisis..and your life is filled with it from your father-in-law to your daughter's situation.
ReplyDeleteWhat you must do Deena is stop being a wife, stop being a mother and stop being a daughter-in-law. For now. You only need to be Deena the woman. That is your focus. What will other people think? Who cares..you don't need to care. You are on a mission right now...you don't have to become nasty or change your personality. You just have to shut off certain valves so that you can only have one main stream going.
If the shutters don't get painted and the tree doesn't get put up? Let it go. Let it all go. Will it matter in a month? Will it matter next year? No. The only thing that matters is that you have your surgery and begin on the road to wellness. That's it. The only thing.
I had wise women help me with some of this wisdom..like the day the nurse came to the house to take out my drain after my axillary dissection and my husband and kids had left the kitchen a mess. I didn't want this woman to think I was a sloppy person. When she asked me why I cared about that I realized it was more to do with how someone else might see me...and in the end, it mattered not a whit.
Experience the emotions, let out your grief and your anger, find things to do that calm you, give you peace and make you feel good. The rest of it? Shut the door on. And I'm sending you many positive and peaceful thoughts and prayers.
it's good that you can get your anger out in your blog.. because that's what it is both with you and Rich... he acts mean and hateful to you because he doesn't know how to help you and it's easier to be angry... and of course you are pouting because you want someone to kiss away your hurts and tell you it will all be better...
ReplyDeletewell in a couple of days (maybe sooner) Rich will get control of his feelings enough to soften up and comfort you...
this is going to be such a roller coaster... but you have lots and lots of prayers going up for you several times a day... so just soak in that bath with candles burning and some soft music playing... and pray for the peace that only God can give you...
Then you will be surprised... because you won't be so hard for Rich to approach... and he will be able to give you the human softness that you crave....
Be Encouraged....
{{Hugs}}
Mimi
All of these ladies have given you good advice and prayers. Just letting you know I've been praying daily for you
ReplyDeleteDeena,
ReplyDeleteHow was that soak in that sweet tub, with all those wonderful things surrounding it, those things that you bought and made to make your house the warm, cozy, charming place it is?
It's ok to feel pissed. You have every right to feel scared and sad and angry and disappointed and misunderstood. It makes total sense you feel those things. Feel them!
But when you feel like it, and you have the available energy, think of giving your spirit some of the love and warmth and attention and kindness that you obviously put into everything you do for your home, your family, your friends, your community and others.
Go easy on yourself. Sleep in late. Have tea in bed. And know that lots of people are holding you in their hearts.
xoxo
Jill
Oh sweetie, here's a (((hug))) you need one! Your bank story is hilarious!
ReplyDeleteJen