I dread the nights ..last night I woke up at 2 AM and there goes my racing mind. Thinking about the future..the surgery..what will happen after that, how will my life change.how my grandsons will not be around as much for a while..My poor son, Steve , who has ALWAYS been loving, and is now dealing with both his dad and MOM having cancer. His dad is much sicker than me and I am sure I will be around much longer..but how sad for my son . He's a BIG boy..35, about 6 ft 3 ..maybe 280 lbs. and a sweet boy to his mama.
My oldest daughter, Nicole went with me for my MRI,
..we started out at 7.30 and were back home by 10AM
Everyone was so kind...the check in girl told me
"you're so cute" and when I sat back down, Nicole said
"mom , you're a dork" I told her I knew it cuz
the check lady told me I was so cute ..which I know means..
"you're a dork"!!! LOL
Kelly, my special guide came to meet me and brought my PINK BOOK.
It's big,thick and helpful. She told me I needed to read to page 24
before I see my surgeon...and to bring it to appointments ..Dr. Mammolito
will make comments in it for me and it can be my reference to keep things
clear in my head and to help me answer ??s from hubby!!
I got properly dressed, my MRI lady Margo was so kind, we sat and talked like friends. She has
6 grandbabes too, but 3 girls and 3 boys..not like my 6 boys..Lucky girl, she showed
me the youngest girl..sitting in pink petals with glimmery butterfly wings on..OH so sweet.
Then she had to get an IV started. GOSH I hate those things..I don't like things hampering
me from getting around. As soon as she put the needle in and washed it with some saline solution..BLIND SPOTS..oh no, that means a migraine on the way. WHY now?? I
haven't had one for so long. Margo turned down the lights, put warmed blankets on me
and put my PASTIES on..LOL ..lil stickers to cover the nipple part so when the MRI is done they can measure distance from the pastie site..woohoo, hubby might LOVE these, but alas..no tassles. In I go finally..up on the MRI bed..on my tummy..with two holes for the best views of just the breasts. Foam ear plugs..the IV bag is attached and in I go.
for the next 20 minutes..I'm thinking this isn't so bad..but this headache sure could have
stayed away. I'd had an MRI years ago, so I knew..not horrid, but not something one would
want to do on a regular basis..
Finally I'm done, can get dressed, get a hug from Margo..and go home. Nicole is reading my pink book when I find herin the waiting room, and she's grabbed a lil catalogue with a bra in it she says I'll need
after surgery. She drives home , cuz my head hurts and my tummy is so upset. I feel ILL.
I come home, lay down, nap in and out, Nicole calls to see if any doctors have called and
I tell her what a wonderful daughter she is.
She told me she talked to her oldest boy, Cole, the lil red head boy, about me being sick.
He understands that something in my breast is making me sick and that he and his brother
and mom , may have to take care of me soon..and that he has to be really good..
They go to pick up his lil brother Caleb and when Caleb gets in the car, Cole says
"My gramma has breast cancer and that means YOU have to be GOOD"
LOL, Cole will use ANY excuse to try to get Caleb to be nice..hope it works.
I worked on The Primitive Gathering.com a bit in the early evening..I knew this was a good sign, I usually enjoy doing it and I did tonight.
Hubby says my hair is so cute he thinks I should be seen in public, so .."let's go out for dinner"
woohoo..sounds great to me.
We went to my fave local place..we talked and talked ..I have roast duck BREASt with apples, mashed sweet potatoes and grilled veggies..YUM..we had flat bread with jalapeno jelly, pineapple, lime and cream cheese..OH it was delicious..!!!
For desert..we both have bread pudding with Jack Daniels sauce ..it was a perfect end to a wonderful dinner.
Rich can't even think about me not being here..I feel I'll be okay in the end..but I'm NOT looking forward to being sick.
I don't know anything past surgery right now. My two doctors should call tomorrow ..the
breast surgeon will have the MRI and they'll call for my appt ..I best get my assignment done! Rich will go with me the first time as LOTS will be discussed.
I'm thinking God led me here to help me enjoy life more, to change my way of thinking, and to humble me more.
I asked Rich again about his dad going somewhere for a couple of months at least while I heal and he said yes..!!! I was so happy..just the stress of thinking about being sick and having his dad here can be too much. I think I'll call around to see what I can find out while I still can think .
I can't believe I'm STILL not going crazy..I feel calm except in the wee hours of the morning..when things race through my head and I wonder is this really happening
to me?? I was just a 15 year old girl yesterday..and now..my babes are grown..I'm 52 and
I have breast cancer..?? NO can't be..I'm too feisty for all that.
I can't wait to crawl into my soft sheets. the downy comforter and just sleep..I'm so tired tonight..again.Tomorrow I AM SLEEPING IN.
Thanking God that I am a stay at home ..???
That I live at the edge of the Singing Woods, that I have GROWN kids..and a sweet husband.
I did tell Nicole, I always asked God to let me live long enough to get my children raised..perhaps I should have asked for longer.
much love,
Deena
I can tell you a few things about this journey you begin.
ReplyDeleteThe nights are full of others, in rooms and homes and apartments and some in high rises in the cities or in log homes in the woods, studios in back alleys and other places in between.
Some live alone with no one who knows, and some have families that are good.
But while the rest sleep, as even the apostles did while Jesus asked for respite himself...."is there any way that this cup could pass from me? No, ok, well, then let's get this party started", and may the will of God alone rule your every moment of each day.
For that I pray for you and for me and all the others who still are living with this and any other diagnosis.
What dis-ease, no ease, really is, your dis-ease is a dialogue, your body is speaking to you. And only you can hear what it is saying.
Many can guess, and many will profess, but only you can know, inside what is so.
And you are not alone, none of us are.
For what He said was, "I have to leave now to go to Our Father, but I leave behind a Comforter, a Counselor that will never leave you alone. I will not leave you as orphans." John 14: 15-21
And whenever you choose, whenever you need, stay real quiet and heed, that still small voice that will come softly through to you.
And aware or not, I tell you, that you are surrounded by Angels of all sorts and maybe a few relatives watching from afar.
The night is a still and quiet place to reflect and feel.
The owls are hooting and hunting, the possums are shuffling, the does are bedded down, the rabbits are snuggled up, and the moles are burrowed in.
And you are on a big blue ball that spins around in space and moves so fast it seems to stay in place! Never the less, you are part of the universe and only you were sent with your unique set of fingerprints. There is and has been no one else like you, ever, and never will there be again.
The Light of God Alone shone and shines through you in just the way it only can cause it shines in just the Deena way, and reflects God's light through Deena and to Deena.
You are in the ballet of life and this is the time of the most precious balancing, the art of holding life closely, but also lightly enough that you can let it all go. God has you, don't ever forget it.
You are promised that.
Dearest anonymous.
ReplyDeleteyour words touched my heart so
much , I have tears in my eyes..and
I feel so loved!!
thank you for sharing the words only
YOU could write in your way.
Deena
Dearest Deena,
ReplyDeleteI was proud to feature this blog, and your bravery - on The ZNE Scene, and the ZNE Network home page today.
Bravo and all best wishes and prayers going out to you.
xoxo - Chel