Day Four~Saturday October 27, 2007

I rise early, get showered ..I'm going to go with Mercedes ( my youngest) to the eye doctor.  She's just getting a check up..but it's a chance to spend some time with her.  I read about new movies coming out in "Entertainment Weekly" waiting for her.

Her eyes have gotten a bit worse , but not much..new contacs will be ordered & they'll callwhen

they come in.  She wants to go home & back to bed..No Starbucks. (waaahh)

After I get back home, I straighten our Nestle & get my computer out..and wait for 11 am.

My father in law gets coffee to the TOP of the cup & spills coffee from the kitchen to his room. 

Then he scuffles through it . There's a line of coffee showing his trail.  I clean it up & hubby makes

some comment about me not being nice.  This state of stress for the last two years has made

my stomach on a constant roll.  At 11 AM hubby says ..call the doctor..tis the time

he told me to call. I punch in the number (dial isn't correct anymore) and ask

for Dr. Young.  I'm placed on hold, then the lady who answered ..asks me if

I'm still waiting for Dr. Young, I say yes, back on hold.. then she comes back

asks if she can help. I tell her I'm calling for results of a biopsy. She takes my

name & number and says she'll see what she can do.  After about 10 minutes

the phone rings, tis the good doctor. He asks for Deena Warner, "this is she"

and he tells me..The breast biopsy came back positive, the lymphs negative,

but he says he REALLy questions those results , his feeling ...

Hubby places his ear CLOSE to the phone, trying to hear..I remember

Dr. Young saying someone will call me Monday to set up the MRI

which will be needed for the surgeon..I'm not even crying..

Hubby suggests we go outside, feed the birds & talk.

We do..then we hike through the woods to find the old farmhouse

that was moved from a town about 22 miles away .  We find it, I'm

amazed..I would never have gone in the right direction. We don't want to 

approach too close, but then we see the owners leave.  Tis HUGE, 

getting a whole NEW lift..new windows..the siding is not one, it's obviously

been added on to already, a wrap around porch, an under garage.

It sits HIGH on a bluff. 

As we trek back home, we really begin to talk. Hubby says "Next year, you'll be doing Race for the Cure, wearing a PINK hat with all your new friends, that's just w hoYOU are." I smile as I realize he does see me & knows me & has faith, respect and love for the ME that I am. 

 I know I have to bring upthe fact that his dad lives with us..and needs to go somewhere else. I can't be ill & take care of his dad, handle the stress it causes and get well.

NOT a good subject, hubby's not moving on this one, even though

I ask

"if I'm gone in two years, is it right I should spend them miserable?"

I cry, talk about my life insurance, my IRA, my kids. We talk honestly and intensely

for a long time, but I know I've not gotten anywhere with my hubby.

I don't understand why the health of one's  wife can't come before

a father who could live somewhere in assisted care & do fine. Hubby only

says .."he won't like it"...do I care?? this time I'm going to be selfish

..this has to be ALL about ME getting WELL. I am devastated that

again I am not number one priority. 

If I should get ill and not be at home, his dad would HAVE to go somewhere

to live . STRESS is a FRIEND of cancer..I need a soft spot & my home has

not been that..I have no soft spot..I know I have to talk to someone about this . I MUST 

get hubby to see me as the PRIORITY. His dad is not ill...I am..SEE look at ME..HEAR ME!!, help me ..I am so hurt ..Why doesn't my hubby understand this??

I can't think about this right now..I'll share more, I've got to push these feelings back for now.

sadly, Deena

Ok, I'm back..I've talked to my oldest daughter who just broke out in tears..I knew she'd

have a hard time , as one of her friends lost her mom to breast cancer last winter. I told

her it doesn't mean that for me..then she cried .."I don't want you to be sick either"

Oh my sweet girl, she's always been a mama's baby..probably always will be.

I've left messages with my youngest daughter and my son (my oldest) to call me.

I called my best friend..who has had too much cancer in her life the last 3 years or so.

We will talk frankly soon...She's my rock, but she is dealing with possible 

thyroid cancer now ..and has surgery the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. What's up

with all this ??? now??? and why us???

what did we all have in common?? where we live?? what we eat??? our age group??

Oh ..I feel the detective in me wanting to take the reigns and start investigating..

(Oh I'm quite a bit like MONK, way too OCD)

Laugh out loud, that's me..SweetAnnee Private Detective

hugs!!!