Saturday, November 24, 2007

Bad Days

Things here are not good. My husband doesn't talk to me. 
I'm sleeping alone.

Praying for 2.5 years has revealed no answer, surely I must have
cut myself off from God.

When life is bad, I try to hide . ..lest I alienate friends, what few true 
friends I have.  I am feeling sorry for ME and that doesn't do any good.

My husband has not put me first...nor will he ever. Someone told me
he isn't showing love and support, they must have been correct. I 
only matter if I can be happy here with his dad here, he told
me once , be happy or get out.  I suppose I should hit the road.

I need to be alone & stay alone.

I know I am not the only one with hurts..or has an illness. I am going to pray
that I stop being self centered and find a way to live alone.


  1. Deena,

    You are the least self-centered person I know. You are ill. You are tired and you're struggling. I have been down that road, but didn't have to cope without the support of husband and family. My heart goes out to you.

    I am at my daughter's right now. When I get home, I will email you. Keep your eyes heavenward. You are walking through a dark valley and I will lift you up with prayer and ask God to send His angels to minister to you and enfold you in their wings.

    Blessings and all my love,

  2. Hello! I just found your art blog and then found this blog from there. I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Both my grandmother and my sweet mother-in-law have fought and won their battle against breast cancer and I believe you will,too and come out stronger in the end. I know I am just a stranger in blogland, but your story has touched me and I will be praying for you. I'm sorry your husband is not being kind and supportive right now- that must make it all so much harder. And to have someone else to care for when you most need to be taken care of must be so hard, too.

  3. Deena,
    I am praying that you will be able to sort out your feelings and hurts....
    some men just do not know how to handle illness...
    and that may be the issue your husband is facing...(when my husband is worried he always acts like he is mad at me... which of course makes whatever problem I have much worse)
    Keep reaching up to God... he may seem far away... but he can understand and will answer our groaning...
    My heart is breaking for you and what you are going through right now... but many, many of us are praying for you and God will see you through this {{{Big Hug}}}

  4. Deena my darling, one of the worst side effects of cancer is that some people just can't take it. Men especially have a hard time dealing with this. I am not defending your husband in any way, shape or form. I am simply stating one of the biggest facts of this disease.

    You have a right to feel sorry for yourself at any time on this journey ... it is perfectly "okay". I would be more worried about you if you weren't feeling sorry for yourself some of the time.

    I do want to say this..forget about your husband for the time being..forget about his actions and his reactions. The ONLY important thing right now is YOU and how you are coping. You need to focus and channel all that energy into Deena...nothing else.

    Once you are further into this journey you can sit back and reflect and you will no doubt find that you have more strength and more courage than you have at any other time in your life. And you will very likely start making some decisions that affect you and are good for you.

    Meantime, know that you have many arms here to hold you up and to comfort you.

  5. Deena, I hope that this evening has changed things for you. You are in my thoughts and I'm praying especially for you as you and your husband battle through your emotions. I can't begin to imagine your problems so I'll just pray that God will handle the details of this struggle with your husband. Please, know I care. Sally

  6. I read tis post this morning, but just couldn't bring myself to respond.

    I'm so sorry.

    Reach out to your family and friends, because you need the support.

    Maybe your husband just needs to sort out his feelings, but in the long run, you are not responsible for them.

    You need to be lifted up and carried for a bit, and if I lived any where near you, I'd be there in a second.

    May God bless and support you.

    I'm praying for you, and your husband. God Bless---

    Michelle H.

  7. Ok, Deena....thank you for eing and saying what you are feeling. What they do, what they have done, from your mother's wrong choice in your beginning, to your father's inability to show feelings, and now to this, yet another person who has not, does not have the courage to hang and to be truly everything you need while you are facing all of this. IT IS NOT YOU! IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! IT IS THEIR SHORTCOMINGS. IT IS THEIR PROBLEM! IT IS NOT YOU! You know how to love, you know how to give. You raised your children in the manner you had wished you could have been mothered. You take care of your physical self, you are creative and talented. You have the ability to not only juggle a family and daily chores and grandchildren, let alone a mentally challenged FIL with arrested development issues from too many years of alcohol abuse.
    You do all this while designing not just one web site, but several. Blogspots and doctors appts. and dire diagnosis! Do you even get who you are? Can you not see the whole of you? Cause if what they didn't do, haven't done or refuse to do is making you think once again that the problem is you....IT IS NOT!
    It is them. And they will lose. He may not know it yet. I don't really care if he does. But I do care that you value yourself and find yourself worth saving! No matter who or what is are worth saving!
    You must get this through your head. This is your one and precious life. Only one Deena, EVER. Why should the rest of us lose her because of the lack of regard of others? Can you hear how much others are valueing you and your honesty? Or can you only hear the hopelessness that you learned from the mother of origin abandonment? Women you don't even know are writing to you. God is throwing you lifepreservers (to preserve life) of all shapes and colors in the comments of your blog and all the women who are praying! Don't let the negative and fearful drown out the light and love and the courage!
    Because I have lost other girlfriends to similar situations I don't care what anyone else thinks anymore about how I say what I say. I just care that you live the one life God gave you in the best and happiest way you can. Your love of nature!
    Your love of color! Your ability to convey in words what others may not be able to! Dig down girl...go in and get that little girl in you that soooooo long ago didn't understand why her mother walked out the door. All these years nuturing and hoping that if you gave enough that you would find yourself. That's today! Today you go inside and get her and today you tell her..."I will never ever let anyone treat you with disregard again...I will not abandon you, they were weak, I am not and you and I kid are going to get through this and we have a whole second half of life to live yet!" There are photos to take, laughter to laugh, smiles to look at, more designs to make, more words to write....there is soooo much more life to live!
    So maybe like the Velveteen Rabbit you'll have had some of your fur loved know that just shows how much life you lived and it makes you that much more precious. Besides, I thought you liked Primitives that had some chips and dents and marks that make them have that much more personality. Girl, you are going to be just that more beautiful when this is all past. If one of your children were going through this you would lecture them and tell them exactly what I am telling you. Now do for yourself what you would have done for your it for the kid in you that has hurt way too long.
    While you are doing that I am going to get radical and start with the "Satan get thee behind Deena, we all call on only the Love and Light of the Christ and we claim by the Blood that by His Stripes alone, Deena, OUR Deena is healed....and Lord, you know that we submit to only YOUR WILL ALONE and trust that this day only YOUR WILL REIGN in Deena's life and that there is no other, but your Almighty Healing Light that she falls into. Amen and Amen and Amen.
    Now, because I want you to show courage in your life I will choose to sign my name...besides I was getting negative unhappy emails from some because I would sign Anonymous. Whatever!
    Let's have Church!

  8. No, my dear sister - you must start being a little more self centered. Your duty is to take care of yourself first so you can serve others. It sounds as though you've reversed those priorities and have nothing left to give or to 'spend' on getting yourself well.

    Do not do it alone, you don't have to. Our Father is always there for you not only in prayer but through other members of the family of Christ. If you choose to live alone do so to get yourself centered and strong again so you can serve others in His name. Your husband may want to change when he sees you in a new light - but maybe he never will. Either way, your worth does not depend on his estimate and Christ's estimate of your worth was that He was willing to die for you.

    I think that is happy news, don't you? Would love to hear from you to know how you are doing.


  9. Don't give up on prayer. I know times get hard but God is there whether you can feel Him or see Him. It will make day, even if it's after this life. That's all the advice I have for today, as mine hasn't been fully pleasant either.


  10. Deena,

    This is not an eloquent statement, are selfish a-holes. Although I know he loves me, my husband would do the same thing. I would bet on it. What his actions prove is that for your entire relationship you've been tolerant, put his needs first, and forgiving. Unfortunately, he is expecting the same thing now. He's continuing to do, what he's been allowed to do, because "you'll get over it". I don't know how much time or energy you spend taking care of "Dad", but you need to stop, now. No more dinners, no more fussing, if your husband wants him there then he can do it. That, by any means, will not make you an evil person. It's a power struggle that you shouldn't have to fight, so don't. Let him stay, but make it clear that the only person you are going to mother, is yourself. He'll "get over it", and see you in a different light.

  11. Dear Deena,

    My heart is so very heavy and sad for you right now. :( I jusy can't seem to understand how or why things continue on the way they do despite constant pleading with God for help or change. I've been there, and there are things in my life I still seem to have no true cut-and-dried answers for. It's frustrating, and I'm not even battling the illness that you are.

    Girl, please please don't let Rich's feelings, thoughts, emotions and decisions run YOU into the ground. You need to preserve your strength and inner peace to fight this, BEAT this illness.

    Perhaps some time away would be the thing you need right now. But how wrong that you are not allowed the freedom and peace that come from being "home," in that sacred place safe from the outside world. I hope in my heart that you will be granted a safe haven, a place to rest your body and your soul ... free from negative energy and unrealistic expectations.

    God bless you ... now and always ...


  12. Deena,
    I am so sorry about this...this is one thing that you don't need...your hubby needs to open his eyes....and you need to just worry about YOU and do what's best for YOU!!!
    you are always in my prayers...

  13. Deena,

    I am so sorry for what is happening to you. I feel so silly writing my post that I wrote this morning, whinning about feeling blue when you are really going through something here. I am sure your hubby is just trying to deal with his emotions. He is so worried about you and for some reason men tend to either not show sympathy or even act mad. There is so much pressure right now with your FIL. I think you need to just follow your heart. It seems to me that it is asking a lot for you to take care of yourself and him. I really hope that tomorrow brings joy for you.

    Love Sharon

  14. (((((h))))) If I was there, I would bring you chocolate and we would go to Starbucks and have a great old time.

    I'm feeling your pain. But, you are not alone. We are here to support you via cyberspace. Our prayers are with you. Most importantly, God is with you through all this and He has not left your side.

    I pray that He will reveal Himself to you in a real way. Lotsa love is zooming its way through the blosiphere from me to you.


~**~Your kind remarks are my angel wings~**~