Wednesday, January 16, 2008

OK, I'm REAL



I wasn't going to post.
Today is another one of those days, when I wonder, did I do the right thing?
I still hurt, I hate my BIG BOOB, I can't stand up straight and just standing
makes my back hurt, my tummy hard, and I can't find my waist anymore
WAAAAHHHHHHH

Yes..I'm real, I'm sad, I'm hurt, I'm tired, I want to be 
just Deena again..NOT Deena the Breast Cancer statistic
and I'm barely through what I need to do.

My hair is cute, but I haven't the strength to put on make up, my 
eyes hurt, I can't stop crying and that only makes my tummy
harder and my back hurt MORE.

Why did I think I needed a breast?? Cuz I hated my stomach
and knew ..I'd get a breast and a tummy tuck...but if
I'm too tired to function..what difference does it make??

Real clothes hurt..
and I can't get anywhere near my hubby, I hurt too much..oh to
be touched softly by his hands..but..he's afraid to hurt 
me and I can't even lay so he can rub my back
UGH...

so here I am 
haggard and sad. but AT LEAST ..my hair is cute.

I know there are so many women out there who have breast
cancer, and they are younger than me, with babes and jobs and
no hubbies..so I need to suck it up
and GET TOUGH....

I just need a teeny bit of TLC
but where am I going to get that???

My friend Sally came and brought lunch on Monday..it was great 
to have her here..but gosh I have issues.  I'm just too
emotional ...I wanna laugh and feel the wind in my hair
(OH SHOOT, I'll have NO hair)


I can't WAIT till Spring
don't give up on me
deena

38 comments:

  1. Oh Deena, through all the pain and emotional stuff try and remember that on the inside you are that beautiful, fun free Deena on the inside.
    Before you know it the fun free, pain free Deena will come though.
    My thoughts are constantly with you.
    Alison

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  2. I know God is here..I'll just pray He restores my soul.
    deena

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  3. Good Afternoon Deena,
    I'm sorry your not feeling well and having a hard time. I "LOVE" your new haircut. It looks very good on you. You can let your dear hubby touch you. You both could hold hands. I don't think that would hurt you or I hope it wouldn't. I am still praying for you dear friend. GOD will see you thru this and he is your Strenthg. GOD IS GOOD, ALL THE TIME, GOD IS GOOD!!!! Just take one day at a time and you will get thru this. Take care my friend and have a great day. I am glad your friend Sally brought lunch over and yall got to have some time together. May God Bless You and Yours.

    Love & Hugs,
    Karen H.

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  4. ((((((((Deena)))))))) well I wish I lived closer...I can see it in your eyes...and I look at these photos and remember the days I looked in the mirror and saw the same face peering back at me. Where did I go? I'd think. Why did I have to go? I'd cry. This is SO part of your journey and I am so glad that you are embracing it. You must. You would be less if you did not.

    These days happen and you are going to have them more and more and then you'll go longer periods without. And then they're re-surface..when your hair goes, or your eyebrows or lashes...I'm not trying to depress you further...I'm saying "feel it"...you need to mourn and grieve for all of it just as you would someone you love...you love yourself and you are losing bits and pieces as you go. Sure, you are adding and recreating...and you will come to love the new breast and the new you...but it won't be overnight.

    It's great to have the stiff upper lip and the positive spirit. We have to have that or we are lost. But we don't need to carry the banner every single day. It's okay to put it down from time to time.

    Look at me...when you feel down...just remember...she's 3 years on the road...every day was not a picnic..every day is still not a picnic...but we have to have the bad in order to appreciate the good.

    (((((((((((huge hug)))))))))) tomorrow will be a different day..not necessarily better..just different.

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  5. Your loving carefree soul is still in there... it is just deep inside the hurting outside!!
    The crying is good... because after you cry you are tired and can sleep for a bit!
    You know you are really allowed to feel sorry for yourself... you don't have to be brave and strong all the time...
    and you know... when it is finally over you will be happy you got the tummy tuck and the boob...It won't always be this big..
    I am praying for you today... that tomorrow will be one of your good days when you can smile again!
    {{Hugs}}
    Love,
    Mimi

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  6. Dear Deena,
    I wish I could do something, If I could I would just sit listen, be there and give you a big hug, I am praying for you, that in the eye of the hurricane, you can be safe and still in his peace....oh, dear one you are so brave and strong, I know you are going to make it over this hill....much love and peace to you
    Pinkie Denise

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  7. Dear Sweet Deena my heart aches for you!
    I pray for you....I will keep you in my prayers!
    Keep the faith sweetpea...and try to find comfort in knowing you are not alone!

    Sending you a great big virtual hug from my heart to yous......
    Luv, Dolly

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  8. Deena
    For someone in pain and who has been crying you still look pretty. I would be all botchy and RED NOSED.
    There is no law written or not written thay says you cannot cry and feel down. Who is gonna give you a POSITIVE POO POO AWARD?
    Where are your pain meds? Why are you not using them?
    Call me a wooshie but I was taking them every three and half hours but honey I did not hurt. My doctor told me to take them before the pain starts because then if you are hurting you have to wait for them to start working. I listen and now I rarely take one for pain but I do have them just in case I do something STUPID. Such as lift anything over 15 lbs.
    Just remember "Tomorrow will be another day".
    Please take care of yourself and cry if you must. Peace

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  9. it is now evening... I hope that Rich is home by now and can give you the {{Hug}} that we would like to give you if we could reach...
    I agree with one of the other ladies... maybe you are trying to go too long without taking your pain meds... remember you had major surgery on TWO parts of your body... so you have lots of surgical healing to do...
    Prayers for pain free night!!!
    Love,
    Mimi

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  10. Church read you and is saying...years ago I was told in a women's therapy group that we are allowed to have more than a few emotions at the same time and ALL OF THEM ARE VALID! I had never known that. So while you are feeling honestly badly (who wouldn't) it is also cool that you can talk about it and articulate it so well. And also that you can think of the words and how to make them look visually good on your blog. ALSO, while being able to post young good looking strangers for a laugh! It's all you and it's all valid. ANOTHER thing I learned was that women need to "Stop shoulding on themselves". How we feel things and then how we automatically start to be our own critic right away and pick on the vulnerable one inside that risked saying what she felt. Stop shoulding on yourself girlie girl! It is what it is today. That's ok. The only way to the other side of all pain is through it. You are already past the entry door and more. I really appreciate what Sherry said from her own experience and also Lady Di Tn....that is good women support of the experienced kind. Your body was majorly surgically altered and you see a different D in the mirror and it has pain and loss and doubt along with the hormones just jumping around with all your other body chemicals trying to balance. I personally think you have done one heck of a job already at this dance. Thanks for being real by saying how you feel.

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  11. Deena!!!!! I just loved your pictures of yourself! They are sooooo real! Someone mentioned your eyes. . . .They are worth a thousand words, believe me! And yes, you can have all the emotions you want to have. The trouble is, some of them are soooooo hard to express --- worse than throwing up!
    The good thing???? ----- This will be over soon. It's not a "forever" thing. The pain will be gone, the soreness over, the emotions settled down, chemo and radiation fears all in the past, the hair will regrow back, and this whole blog will be published as a number 1 hit seller!!!! Whether you feel Him or not, He is walking with you through the valley, He will comfort you, and though it may hurt when someone else touches you, HE carries you close to His heart as He would a little hurt lamb! Rest there, Deena! Listen to His heartbeat for you, and know that there are a host of us praying daily, lifting you up, and singing the songs you can't seem to find for yourself! Love you!!!!! Cora

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  12. Hi Deena,
    You do not know me and I do not know you, I just happened upon your blog tonight. I just want you to know that there are people out there that feel your pain, know that you have friends and love ones that will be by your side on good days and the bad. Do me a favor tomorrow morning after you wake up make something warm to drink and go stand out side. Take a deep breath in and smell the freshness in the air, feel the air through your adorable hair cut and just thank god for each and everyday. Do something for yourself something that makes you smile. I will be thinking of you and praying for you and your family. Go sit by your husbands side and just hold hands, let him rub your cheek gently and just remember you have one another. You are a brave one, get the strenth to take over and beat this thing. I will be thinking of you. You have a better day tomorrow ok sweetie. Sweet dreams.

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  13. Bless your heart I am soooooooooooo sorry that you are having a bad day or week..... I just have no idea of the journey for you but I do know a man that will go with you.... we are His children and it is ok to just cry........ He is the strength that we long for and He is the one that does not fear......... So you go ahead and cry and ask Him the hard questions and tell Him all the things that you fear..............I always feel free to talk it all out with my Father God..... I can fuss and fuss and fuss and He just listens............ after all He is the parent and we are the child...... He expects us to be child like some days................ soooooooooooo be a child and let Him comfort you as only He can do............................( I love the hair)

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  14. There is nothing pretty or good about all this. Cancer SUCKS ! There I said it. We all love and pray for you daily and we are assured of God's gracious love for you. I can only hope that when/if ever faced with life on the scale that you live today that I have an ounce as much inner peace and strength as you my dear friend. Feel your feelings and get angry. There will one day be sunshiny days at the end of the dark, dark tunnel you're traveling. Love you Deena, Mollye

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  15. I am sure it is very normal to have all of these ups and down in emotions. It is hard when you are in pain to take control of your thought life---to put your focus on Him and on His word and that is the main thing that gives emotional stability----He understands how hard it is when you are tired and in pain. I am glad you have friends that can help bear your burdens---that is what friends are for!! And I hope that one day you will be able to look back on your old posts and smile.

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  16. ~heres a HUG for you Deena....I was away from Blogland all day due to a terrible migraine...I hope you are feeling better this evening...really I do...
    I am taking your box to the PO tomorrow...today was just a total write off for me.
    Love,
    Robin

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  17. My Sweet Deena,

    You are right. You need some TLC. You need to be pampered and I wish I was there to do that for you.

    You have EVERY right to be sad, to cry, to feel sorry for yourself. You have been so strong and are doing a great job of coping with your cancer. You need time to mourn and grieve. Crying is good for the soul, believe it or not. Grandma used to tell me that tears were healing and after a good cry it's easy to take a nap.

    I wish I could be there with you, my friend. If you need anything that I can help you with, just let me know. For now, prayers are speeding heavenward and I'm asking our Father to send angels to enfold you in their wings and bring you comfort for a good night's sleep.

    Love, hugs and blessings,
    Mary

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  18. (((((h)))))))Deena,
    There are a lot of hugs in this comment for you.

    Of coarse you are adjusting and you will learn to love the new you just as much. You're hormones are crazy after surgery and it's a pain not to be able to wear "real" clothes. All of this will come in time - even though you want it now.

    I'm glad you are open about your feeling so we can pray. You don't have to be brave or wear makeup.
    (Even without makeup you are beautiful!)Your only job right now is to heal.

    I understand that you are sick of all this cancer crap. Who wouldn't be? But it's your vibrant personality that draws us to your blog - not your disease. You are not Cancer Victim Deena, rather, you are Deena who is fighting cancer.

    This disease will not define you - it is not who you are!
    You are a daughter of the king, a princess,wife, mother, friend, artist, and so much more. Tomorrow is Thursday Thirteen. Maybe you should list thirteen things you are that don't have anything to do with cancer.

    Hang in there. Things will get better. ((((H))) I'm praying for you!

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  19. P.S. No way we are giving up. I'm also soooooooo ready for spring.

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  20. on the way to work this morning I heard on the radio.
    "You are in a storm (cancer) and God will calm the Storm or give yu the Grace to Ride It Out!!!"
    {{{Hugs}}}
    Love,
    Mimi

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  21. Deena, you have a right to your thoughts. The more honest you are with them the better. No one wishes to be where you are, but others are being encouraged by your journey. Believe that this trip you're on has a destination and that you are an inspiration to us all. Thank you for being my friend and I love you.
    Sally

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  22. Deena...you didn’t even have to say a word… your eyes do tell it all...I am praying today will be a much better day for you!! Look how far you have come already...I mean in 3 months you have went through so much and I think you are doing SOOOO amazingly well!!!
    You are such an inspiration to all of us! Just rest...before you know it you will be feeling better
    Praying for you!
    Sara

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  23. Oh sweet Deena, Yes you are real and that's why we all love you. Even with the tears, sad face and no make up you are still beautiful! I'm so sorry for all the pain and suffering you are in and for your sadness.. Wish I could take it all way for you.
    I remember Amy of FourSistersInACottage (also fighting breast cancer) felt about the same way as you do a while back. One day she called me and she was such a mess. She wondered if she would ever feel good again or ever be Amy again. Well she did and she has and she is back to the old Amy. It's been a long struggle for her. She lost her beautiful waist long hair..
    You have been through so very much and its awful that it takes so long to heal and be without pain. I know there will be a light at the end of this tunnel for you someday, hopefully it will be soon. The waiting is just so frustrating. We are here for you for the good and the bad. We are here to see you cry and smile. We are here to pray for you. I only wish I could be there with you to hold your hand and try to comfort you.
    I love you and here are some very gentle hugs {{{{{Deena}}}}
    ~Mary~

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  24. Oh Deena, honey, my heart goes out to you... You are so honest and real about everything. I'm so sorry about the pain and the sadness and the physical hurt and the tiredness. I'm not giving up on you. Not happenning. Your new haircut is adorable. No-one can be tough all the time - a little meltdown is normal. ((cyber-hugs and TLC)) Glad Sally came and brought lunch... Of course you just want to be Deena again... (more TLC and empathy)

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  25. Deena, Deena, Deena, Oh how I wish I was there just to hug you. You do not realize how much of a trooper you have been through all of this and you have no idea how your journaling your breast cancer journey is helping others. You are AMAZING! You are allowed to have days like this, you have gone through a huge trauma, phyiscally and emotionally and I think this is quite common to have days of sadness and feeling sorry for ourselves. I will send an arrow prayer right now.............

    I will continue to pray for your throughout the day. You are beautiful, you do not need make-up! I do think your hair is super cute too!

    Things will get better.

    Gentle hugs, Sharon

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  26. Good morning.... I pray that today your spirit man is strengthened by the Father God....... I pray that He will come and sit with you in that secret place that only the two of you know... Many years ago a very good friend of mine told me to find in mind a place where there was no strife.... and when times were really dark then I was to go to that place....... So now when things pile up on me and sleep is far from me I go to that place...... It has tall green grass and a running stream with the little pebbles shining in the bottom. There is a tree stump not far from the water and Jesus sits there. He has my red tambourine and I dance and laugh..... It is no effort for me to go there anymore.. when at first my mind would not let me stay...... but now I can stay there for hours if needed.... May sound silly but it brings such peace to my spirit man and I am once again refreshed..... My friend was a Christian counselor and she was a hoot......... She has gone on to be with the Lord and she is living in her secret place. I am thinking about moving my secret place to an ice-cream pallor.. how funny......... I send His word to you today that you might have peace..........

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  27. Dear Deena,
    I'm not commenting too much these days with all that's going on here, but just wanted to let you know you're in my prayers..
    xo

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  28. Hi precious Deena ~ I just found your blog and have been reading all of your posts ~ You are a beautiful lady and I am so happy to have found you and can pray for you ~ I agree with everyone, it is okay to have those days of feeling like you just want to have the pre cancer care free days !
    I will pray for God's peace that passes all understanding for you !
    Lots of hugs and prayers !
    Lori

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  29. Your blog is courageous and inpiring. I will remember you today in a prayer.

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  30. You are that beautiful Deena...you always will be. I love you just as you are...you are such a beautiful woman.
    It is okay to cry....cry all you want. I always pray for you for your pain to ease physically and emotionally.
    You are always on my mind in my heart

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  31. Hi there Deena..thank you for stopping by my blog, it was nice of you to comment, i love them too!

    You look lovely with your new hair cut...take care of yourself and keep in touch in the blog world!

    Jamie

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  32. Deena...
    Sending you the biggest hugs right now! I have no words to make you feel better, but your hair does look cute!
    Take gentle care...
    Priscilla

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  33. I believe "strong" is overrated. Thinking of you.

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  34. Deena, we're all in this together--those of us with young kids, teenagers, no kids, grown kids, husbands, lovers, partners, friends, moms, dads, sisters, brothers, and no one at all.

    You don't have to suck anything up. You can just let it out. Because it sucks, and it makes total sense that you hurt and that you're sad and tired.

    But you're still Deena, and you'll feel more like yourself everyday. Those of us who have gone through it, can provide you with a little hope. It gets better. It really does.

    Much love,

    Jill

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  35. You do need TLC right now. Sending you a BIG Cyber hug- it doesn't hurt to cyber hug! LOL! You know there's always people worse off than you, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't allow yourself to feel down once in awhile or have a bad day. It's ok to need TLC, it's ok to cry all day and it's ok day to be angry at the cancer or God for a time. It's especially ok to ask friends to help you bear your burden. We'll be here through your ups and downs just as we know you'll be there for us through our own trials when they come.
    Luv
    Lennea

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  36. you rock girl!
    Psalm 27:1 The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread?
    Psa 27:4 One thing I have asked from the LORD, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the LORD And to meditate in His temple.
    Psa 27:5 For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle; In the secret place of His tent He will hide me; He will lift me up on a rock.
    Psa 27:13 I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living.
    Psa 27:14 Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.

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  37. Deena, I know how you feel. I have been there too, and sometimes I even go back. But I found a bunch of things to help me through. Aside from humor (there's always something funny buried in there, even if you have to look really hard), something that helped me throughout my treatment and even today is Isaiah 40:29-31 (a passage I happened upon the night of my first chemo. I felt fine, just couldn't sleep). I call it my fight song. You'll find yours, too. Something to remind you that you aren't alone in facing anything.

    Lots of distractions help, too, as does a nice hot cup of tea and a hot shower or bath.

    And of course, there's prayer. I have you on my prayer list, as do so many others who post here. I hope you can feel all our prayers/good vibes/happy thoughts coming your way.

    The pain will go away, and you will think it was all worth it. Good luck as you keep going, Katie

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  38. Deena hang in there girl! You can beat this and come out looking like one hot mama!!

    I can't even BEGIN to imagine how you must feel, but I do know that when you hurt all over, nothing's right.

    Just know that you have alot of friends out there rooting for you with our pom-poms and waiting for you to make it to the finish line!

    Yaaaahoooo this too shall pass

    Hugs to you :-)

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