Wednesday, October 31, 2007

The "Pink Book"

Here it is..I'll be posting more news later

I heard from the surgeons office today, just letting me know they got the MRI results
and had talked to the doctor at the hospital. They determined the lymph nodes are
going to come out too , as they appear to be cancer also on the MRI.
They also said they saw nothing else!!! YIPPEE and I won't need more imaging!! YIPEE AGAIN!!
They will call me tomorrow with a date for a consultation (hubby will go also)
and at that appt. they will set the surgery date. 
I've started reading my assigned pages in the PINK BOOK
and I think my BLOG is good for me and for all my loved ones. It suggests we talk openly and freely about our condition & encourage our loved ones to ask any questions they want.
I am hoping this BLOG will help others also, not just me.

My bestest friend Marcia came over today..we went to the post office, as I needed to send off two orders from last week...and send a gift out to a friend..
Then we came back to my nestle, had lunch..talked.hugged.. told each other we love each other.  She brought me a few lil gifties..and also an item for me to photograph for 
That's on another BLOG...something I try to participate in each Friday.

I called an old friend and we talked about life, parents, easily..and promised to keep in touch. Someone who is dear to me and always will be.

Tonight my grandsons came over..two of Trick or Treat
and also something the lil Caleb calls "Ding Dong Ditch"
which means ring the bell and run and hide from me..LOL

Rich stopped at Walgreens and got some Tylenol PM ..I hope to not take it
but the nights have been TOUGH. I woke up last night..sweating all over..the sheets, my pillow and my body and hair were WET..UGH.  NO it's not menopause ladies..those organs left me in 2001..Just scared I think. The days are good, the brain takes over and starts thinking all the things I DO NOT want to think about.  Like how I only know one woman who
survived breast cancer..and LOTS who did not..but that was then and this is now.
Things like..what if I can't plant in the Spring..what will Christmas be like this year.
Can I do it all?? I love THE SEASON, not the day..just from the day of Thanksgiving to
the day of Christmas. I LOVE Christmas hymns, songs, jazz.. the air..the rosey cheeks, snow men, Jesus and giving GOOD presents.

Rich is much quieter tonight with the lymph node info. I know he's been reading on the internet and he knows it could mean more.  One thing I do not like, is I don't sit at the supper table, and haven't for months.. Rich eats with his dad..I eat somewhere else in the house. I can't sit at the table, my tummy hurts if I do, the air is thick and tense and no one talks..How sad that hubby has let his dad take my place at the table.  Some very uglee things have happened at the table..and even the suggestion of fixing supper makes me sad, angry, resentful & hurt. So it's just best for me to take myself somewhere peaceful to eat.  Then I wonder, has this past year of STRESS constantly done this to me?? I have no soft spot to go to ever..only sometimes out on the deck to I feel comfortable.  I don't rise in the AM without his dad looking at me but never talking. He's never said my name, never acknowledged my grandkids talking to him, never said I'm sorry, Happy Birthday, oh no you're sick..nothing. It's just not a pleasant atmosphere for a soft heart like me to live in.  
Alas ...I ramble, but perhaps the underlying issue is WHAT is most important in life to each of us???? Family is so important to me, my children and grandkids and hubby and my pets are my family.. and I would do anything for them..anything... 
Can't I be that important to them?? Does anyone hear me, see me, understand my deep feelings and my deeper love.  I have the most wonderful husband but I don't understand him not knowing I need to concentrate on ME getting WELL for everyone else. Maybe I can get the doctors to talk frankly to him or my new counselor.  
Till then, I guess my heart will just break a little more each day.

I'll post the grandson in costumes tomorrow
I need to go publish  updates for the website..and I need to stop 
crying..Tomorrow is another day of LIFE!!
lovingly, Deena

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

MRI day

  I dread the nights ..last night I woke up at 2 AM and there goes my racing mind. Thinking about the future..the surgery..what will happen after that, how will my life my grandsons will not be around as much for a while..My poor son, Steve , who has ALWAYS been loving, and is now dealing with both his dad and MOM having cancer. His dad is much sicker than me and I am sure I will be around much longer..but how sad for my son .  He's a BIG boy..35, about 6 ft 3 ..maybe 280 lbs. and a sweet boy to his mama.

My oldest daughter, Nicole went with me for my MRI,
..we started out at 7.30 and were back home by 10AM
Everyone was so kind...the check in girl told me
"you're so cute" and when I sat back down, Nicole said
"mom , you're a dork"  I told her I knew it cuz
the check lady told me I was so cute ..which I know means..
"you're a dork"!!! LOL

Kelly, my special guide came to meet me and brought my PINK BOOK.
It's big,thick and helpful. She told me I needed to read to page 24
before I see my surgeon...and to bring it to appointments ..Dr. Mammolito
will make comments in it for me and it can be my reference to keep things
clear in my head and to help me answer ??s from hubby!!

I got properly dressed, my MRI lady Margo was so kind, we sat and talked like friends. She has
6 grandbabes too, but 3 girls and 3 boys..not like my 6 boys..Lucky girl, she showed
me the youngest girl..sitting in pink petals with glimmery butterfly wings on..OH so sweet.
Then she had to get an IV started. GOSH I hate those things..I don't like things hampering
me from getting around.  As soon as she put the needle in and washed it with some saline solution..BLIND SPOTS..oh no, that means a migraine on the way. WHY now?? I 
haven't had one for so long.  Margo turned down the lights, put warmed blankets on me 
and put my PASTIES on..LOL ..lil stickers to cover the nipple part so when the MRI is done they can measure distance from the pastie site..woohoo, hubby might LOVE these, but tassles.  In I go finally..up on the MRI bed..on my tummy..with two holes for the best views of just the breasts.  Foam ear plugs..the IV bag is attached and in I go.  
for the next 20 minutes..I'm thinking this isn't so bad..but this headache sure could have
stayed away. I'd had an MRI years ago, so I knew..not horrid, but not something one would
want to do on a regular basis..
Finally I'm done, can get dressed, get a hug from Margo..and go home. Nicole is reading my pink book when I find herin the waiting room, and she's grabbed a lil catalogue with a bra in it she says I'll need
after surgery.  She drives home , cuz my head hurts and my tummy is so upset. I feel ILL.

I come home, lay down, nap in and out, Nicole calls to see if any doctors have called and
I tell her what a wonderful daughter she is. 

She told me she talked to her oldest boy, Cole, the lil red head boy, about me being sick.
He understands that something in my breast is making me sick and that he and his brother
and mom , may have to take care of me soon..and that he has to be really good..
They go to pick up his lil brother Caleb and when Caleb gets in the car, Cole says
"My gramma has breast cancer and that means YOU have to be GOOD"
LOL, Cole will use ANY excuse to try to get Caleb to be nice..hope it works.

I worked on The Primitive a bit in the early evening..I knew this was a good sign, I usually enjoy doing it and I did tonight.  

Hubby says my hair is so cute he thinks I should be seen in public, so .."let's go out for dinner"
woohoo..sounds great to me. 
 We went to my fave local place..we talked and talked ..I have roast duck BREASt with apples, mashed sweet potatoes and grilled veggies..YUM..we had flat bread with jalapeno jelly, pineapple, lime and cream cheese..OH it was delicious..!!!
For desert..we both have bread pudding with Jack Daniels sauce was a perfect end to a wonderful dinner.  
Rich can't even think about me not being here..I feel I'll be okay in the end..but I'm NOT looking forward to being sick. 
I don't know anything past surgery right now. My two doctors should call tomorrow ..the 
breast surgeon will have the MRI and they'll call for my appt ..I best get my assignment done! Rich will go with me the first time as LOTS will be discussed. 
I'm thinking God led me here to help me enjoy life more, to change my way of thinking, and to humble me more. 
I asked Rich again about his dad going somewhere for a couple of months at least while I heal and he said yes..!!! I was so happy..just the stress of thinking about being sick and having his dad here can be too much.  I think I'll call around to see what I can find out while I still can think .  
I can't believe I'm STILL not going crazy..I feel calm except in the wee hours of the morning..when things race through my head and I wonder is this really happening
to me?? I was just a 15 year old girl yesterday..and babes are grown..I'm 52 and 
I have breast cancer..?? NO can't be..I'm too feisty for all that. 
I can't wait to crawl into my soft sheets. the downy comforter and just sleep..I'm so tired tonight..again.Tomorrow I AM SLEEPING IN.
Thanking God that I am a stay at home ..??? 
That I live at the edge of the Singing Woods, that I have GROWN kids..and a sweet husband.
I did tell Nicole, I always asked God to let me live long enough to get my children raised..perhaps I should have asked for longer.
much love,

Monday, October 29, 2007

Monday, Oct 29th 2007

Oh today was so special. My oldest daughter called early, said she was coming over. Then my friend Sally called & brought over a wonderful Apple Dumpling and a loaf of bread she'd freshly baked.  My daughter came while Sally was here, they met..and I got the call for my MRI.
Tomorrow at 8.30 AM I'll get the MRI...Kelly  ( my helpmate at the Breast Health Center)
will come see me and bring me "The Pink Book"..she said it's all about breast cancer..
I got a surgeon today also!! Her name is Denise MAMMOlito!! I love it!! She will call me on Thursday after she sees the MRI..and we'll get together for "THE CHAT"

My daughter , Nicole ..and I had Apple Dumpling with ice cream, ham & some good coffee for breakfast..YUMMY.. Nicole brought me some special Nail Color from OPI for October, Pink of Hearts.and a Bigelow Lip Gloss for October, Shine for sweet.
She is in cosmetology school, she brought her kit, ..and highlighted, covered my gray..and cut my hair..TIS CUTE!!
She gave me a pedicure and painted my toenails..cleaned my house and loved me. Oh how sweet a day we had. I was going to paint more shutters but after I got so cute, I didn't want to get dirty..LOL, so I put on make up instead.

Hubby noticed my new do right off, said ooooh you're hot stuff..and I felt like I was.  We walked outside a bit , then had dinner..comfort food of mac & cheese..for real baked in 
the oven , green beans and some of that fresh baked bread. 
I'm tired and ready to go to bed..and it's only 8.15PM..
I need to call my friend Marilyn back, so I'm going to go do that
and get ready for bed.  
I feel like a pampered princess today, my family is so important to me, 
and today was good.
Night all

Sunday..October 28th, 2007

Today was a walk down the lane, the horse at the stable came to let me 
pet him, he never has before!! I call him SuGaR, but I don't know what his name is.
LOL, maybe that's why he never comes to see me..I don't know his name.

I took a nap, relaxed, did some web work & painted some shutters.
Tomorrow I'll get the call for my MRI ..the day passed FAST.

fondly, Me

Day Four~Saturday October 27, 2007

I rise early, get showered ..I'm going to go with Mercedes ( my youngest) to the eye doctor.  She's just getting a check up..but it's a chance to spend some time with her.  I read about new movies coming out in "Entertainment Weekly" waiting for her.
Her eyes have gotten a bit worse , but not contacs will be ordered & they'll callwhen
they come in.  She wants to go home & back to bed..No Starbucks. (waaahh)

After I get back home, I straighten our Nestle & get my computer out..and wait for 11 am.
My father in law gets coffee to the TOP of the cup & spills coffee from the kitchen to his room. 
Then he scuffles through it . There's a line of coffee showing his trail.  I clean it up & hubby makes
some comment about me not being nice.  This state of stress for the last two years has made
my stomach on a constant roll.  At 11 AM hubby says the doctor..tis the time
he told me to call. I punch in the number (dial isn't correct anymore) and ask
for Dr. Young.  I'm placed on hold, then the lady who answered ..asks me if
I'm still waiting for Dr. Young, I say yes, back on hold.. then she comes back
asks if she can help. I tell her I'm calling for results of a biopsy. She takes my
name & number and says she'll see what she can do.  After about 10 minutes
the phone rings, tis the good doctor. He asks for Deena Warner, "this is she"
and he tells me..The breast biopsy came back positive, the lymphs negative,
but he says he REALLy questions those results , his feeling ...

Hubby places his ear CLOSE to the phone, trying to hear..I remember
Dr. Young saying someone will call me Monday to set up the MRI
which will be needed for the surgeon..I'm not even crying..
Hubby suggests we go outside, feed the birds & talk.

We do..then we hike through the woods to find the old farmhouse
that was moved from a town about 22 miles away .  We find it, I'm
amazed..I would never have gone in the right direction. We don't want to 
approach too close, but then we see the owners leave.  Tis HUGE, 
getting a whole NEW windows..the siding is not one, it's obviously
been added on to already, a wrap around porch, an under garage.
It sits HIGH on a bluff. 

As we trek back home, we really begin to talk. Hubby says "Next year, you'll be doing Race for the Cure, wearing a PINK hat with all your new friends, that's just w hoYOU are." I smile as I realize he does see me & knows me & has faith, respect and love for the ME that I am. 

 I know I have to bring upthe fact that his dad lives with us..and needs to go somewhere else. I can't be ill & take care of his dad, handle the stress it causes and get well.
NOT a good subject, hubby's not moving on this one, even though
I ask
"if I'm gone in two years, is it right I should spend them miserable?"

I cry, talk about my life insurance, my IRA, my kids. We talk honestly and intensely
for a long time, but I know I've not gotten anywhere with my hubby.
I don't understand why the health of one's  wife can't come before
a father who could live somewhere in assisted care & do fine. Hubby only
says .."he won't like it" I care?? this time I'm going to be selfish
..this has to be ALL about ME getting WELL. I am devastated that
again I am not number one priority. 
If I should get ill and not be at home, his dad would HAVE to go somewhere
to live . STRESS is a FRIEND of cancer..I need a soft spot & my home has
not been that..I have no soft spot..I know I have to talk to someone about this . I MUST 
get hubby to see me as the PRIORITY. His dad is not ill...I am..SEE look at ME..HEAR ME!!, help me ..I am so hurt ..Why doesn't my hubby understand this??
I can't think about this right now..I'll share more, I've got to push these feelings back for now.

sadly, Deena

Ok, I'm back..I've talked to my oldest daughter who just broke out in tears..I knew she'd
have a hard time , as one of her friends lost her mom to breast cancer last winter. I told
her it doesn't mean that for me..then she cried .."I don't want you to be sick either"
Oh my sweet girl, she's always been a mama's baby..probably always will be.

I've left messages with my youngest daughter and my son (my oldest) to call me.
I called my best friend..who has had too much cancer in her life the last 3 years or so.
We will talk frankly soon...She's my rock, but she is dealing with possible 
thyroid cancer now ..and has surgery the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. What's up
with all this ??? now??? and why us???
what did we all have in common?? where we live?? what we eat??? our age group??
Oh ..I feel the detective in me wanting to take the reigns and start investigating..
(Oh I'm quite a bit like MONK, way too OCD)
Laugh out loud, that's me..SweetAnnee Private Detective

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Day Three~ Friday October 26, 2007

Up early, ready to hit the road to go for more testing. Hubby grabs his Ipod, I ask to

drive and we listen to Garrison Keeler on the way in to town.

We arrive, they tell m'e at Check In that they've already called for me..but I am not

late, they are just early. We check in, go to Imagining..I get called to put on my gown

and lock up my things.. The technician who comes to get me is the same lady who did

my mammo on Wednesday..She's kind , reminds me of her name, Denise, and says

I see you came back to us.

She does a mammo, goes to show the doctor and comes back to tell me , he wants a

sonogram..So off I go to another room. As the techician, a different lady, sets up to

do the sonogram..I think of how when I was carrying my babes, a sonogram was so

exciting and I couldn't wait to look!!

Well, I don't feel excited and I don't want to look, so I don't..when it's over..the

technician takes leave of the room to talk to the doctor and tells me she'll bring

him back and he'll talk with me. It seems so long, I finally look at the screen

..I see the pictures..and I see the SPOTS, the are dark, dense and I know what's

coming, but I keep my eyes UP..trying not to cry, praying that it will be nothing,

asking God to help me not cry..wishing my hubby was in the room, thinking why

didn't I call sooner...why is this mass in the breast they started watching in 1999,

I'm nervous scared and wishing the doctor would just come in.

The door opens, she asks are you ok??

Yes, I'm fine..

well doctor is talking to another patient..he'll be in soon..

More waiting..I look at the screen again..hard this time..there are 6 pics there

of my right breast and I can see what I know they are looking at..

The door opens, the doctor comes in..starts telling me about biopsies.and

says ..he wants to do a biopsy on the mass and a fine needle extraction on

some lymph nodes that look concerning too..

Can I do it, will I sign papers..

My husband is here .can he come in while you do the biopsy please..

"yes, we'll go get him"

Finally he is here..the technician gets me prepped..Doctor comes in..

he's kind, handsome and I love his curls at the neck.. He numbs me

up.. a long needle goes in. takes tissue out, in again..out again..tissue

on more time..

then..more numbing.. a little needle ..poke poke poke...tissue to

slides..does it two more times..all the while the technician is sonogramming

so he can see where he's going..and then she snaps pics

Tis done, I get super glued in two places..bandaged ...two lil ice packs..

and doctor me's Saturday, I'll be working..we may

have labs back..

I ask "what do you think" he answers " I'm very concerned these will come

back positive"

I again think.. " I knew it" ...but still I look at hubby with wary eyes..and

begin to could this all happen so fast???
We go home, lay side by side on the couch
and watch
The Holiday
..cute movie..I can't remember the last time we layed so close..and I relax and
and feel so loved.
Hubby gets pizza for supper , the boys go to my son's , as I am sore..
my mind races, I can't stay asleep..I get up at 3 am to pet
my lil kitty and dog..and I go back to bed and finally to sleep after 4 am.
Day four is on the horizon

Day Two~Thursday Oct 25, 2007

I met a new friend..through a Christian Art forum & was shocked ..when signing up

for a swap I see she lives aboutve 5 miles from me.

I email her, we have coffee twice at Starbucks and chat. She is a mixed media artist

and it's so fun to just sit and chat.

Last week we made a "date" to go antiquing & eat lunch.Great fun. During lunch my

cell phone rings & it's Voice Mail from home. I only check it because it will keep

calling me if I don't.

GREAT , it's the Breast Center wanting to speak to me about another mammogram.

"I knew it".. why does it catch me off guard??

I return the call & leave a message & enjoy my lunch.

As I walk in the door after my friend drops me off , the home phone is ringing.

We need you to come back in for another mammogram & possibly a sonogram..

Ok again I tell myself.."you knew this" & she sets the appointment for the next

day at 9.30 AM at the hospital this time. I call my hubby, he asks if I want him

to go with me tomorrow..I hesitate, thinking..Well, I want him there if they tell

me it's cancer I had been told the doctor would talk to me after the second

set of yes....I want him with me..and he doesn't hesitate..he says

Ok, I'll go.

so, I'm set up for the next day

and I go take a nap till hubby comes home and I make dinner.

The rest of the day is fine..


Day One~Wed. Oct 24th 2007

I called last week to set an appointment for a digital mammogram today.

I went in at 8:25 AM, knowing there was a lump in my

right breast, and it is tender.

So after doing the mammogram the technician says "I'll be right back."

"oh, not good" I think to my self.

She's gone about 5 minutes & says upon her return

"I just wanted to see what prior films we have

for you ..1999, 2003, 2006. &

Don't be surprised if you get a call on this one"

OH, not good again..but I knew this , didn't I???

I get dressed ..go to my car

off I go, home to paint shutters & finish

painting the front door.

Day One has begun & I don't even know it.