Wednesday, October 31, 2007

The "Pink Book"

Here it is..I'll be posting more news later

I heard from the surgeons office today, just letting me know they got the MRI results
and had talked to the doctor at the hospital. They determined the lymph nodes are
going to come out too , as they appear to be cancer also on the MRI.
They also said they saw nothing else!!! YIPPEE and I won't need more imaging!! YIPEE AGAIN!!
They will call me tomorrow with a date for a consultation (hubby will go also)
and at that appt. they will set the surgery date. 
I've started reading my assigned pages in the PINK BOOK
and I think my BLOG is good for me and for all my loved ones. It suggests we talk openly and freely about our condition & encourage our loved ones to ask any questions they want.
I am hoping this BLOG will help others also, not just me.

My bestest friend Marcia came over today..we went to the post office, as I needed to send off two orders from last week...and send a gift out to a friend..
Then we came back to my nestle, had lunch..talked.hugged.. told each other we love each other.  She brought me a few lil gifties..and also an item for me to photograph for 
That's on another BLOG...something I try to participate in each Friday.

I called an old friend and we talked about life, parents, easily..and promised to keep in touch. Someone who is dear to me and always will be.

Tonight my grandsons came over..two of Trick or Treat
and also something the lil Caleb calls "Ding Dong Ditch"
which means ring the bell and run and hide from me..LOL

Rich stopped at Walgreens and got some Tylenol PM ..I hope to not take it
but the nights have been TOUGH. I woke up last night..sweating all over..the sheets, my pillow and my body and hair were WET..UGH.  NO it's not menopause ladies..those organs left me in 2001..Just scared I think. The days are good, the brain takes over and starts thinking all the things I DO NOT want to think about.  Like how I only know one woman who
survived breast cancer..and LOTS who did not..but that was then and this is now.
Things like..what if I can't plant in the Spring..what will Christmas be like this year.
Can I do it all?? I love THE SEASON, not the day..just from the day of Thanksgiving to
the day of Christmas. I LOVE Christmas hymns, songs, jazz.. the air..the rosey cheeks, snow men, Jesus and giving GOOD presents.

Rich is much quieter tonight with the lymph node info. I know he's been reading on the internet and he knows it could mean more.  One thing I do not like, is I don't sit at the supper table, and haven't for months.. Rich eats with his dad..I eat somewhere else in the house. I can't sit at the table, my tummy hurts if I do, the air is thick and tense and no one talks..How sad that hubby has let his dad take my place at the table.  Some very uglee things have happened at the table..and even the suggestion of fixing supper makes me sad, angry, resentful & hurt. So it's just best for me to take myself somewhere peaceful to eat.  Then I wonder, has this past year of STRESS constantly done this to me?? I have no soft spot to go to ever..only sometimes out on the deck to I feel comfortable.  I don't rise in the AM without his dad looking at me but never talking. He's never said my name, never acknowledged my grandkids talking to him, never said I'm sorry, Happy Birthday, oh no you're sick..nothing. It's just not a pleasant atmosphere for a soft heart like me to live in.  
Alas ...I ramble, but perhaps the underlying issue is WHAT is most important in life to each of us???? Family is so important to me, my children and grandkids and hubby and my pets are my family.. and I would do anything for them..anything... 
Can't I be that important to them?? Does anyone hear me, see me, understand my deep feelings and my deeper love.  I have the most wonderful husband but I don't understand him not knowing I need to concentrate on ME getting WELL for everyone else. Maybe I can get the doctors to talk frankly to him or my new counselor.  
Till then, I guess my heart will just break a little more each day.

I'll post the grandson in costumes tomorrow
I need to go publish  updates for the website..and I need to stop 
crying..Tomorrow is another day of LIFE!!
lovingly, Deena


  1. Sending you a great big cyber hug Deena...unfortunately because of distance :o( How sad that you have to go through this battle but then to have tension at home as well. I know so many...too many touched by breast cancer and it makes me sad and scared. My cousin is going through this for a 2nd time and her household is somewhat the same...only no one thinks she is sick and treats her like she has a cold. :o(
    Hang in there.

  2. Deena, you poured your heart out. That's a good thing. Another thing, you are amazing. You are strong. Much stronger than silence. Hugs, Pam

  3. I'm glad you have such a wonderful daughter and I'm glad you started this blog to share your heart, your love, your fear, your pain. I wish I could come up there and give you a soft spot for just yourself and no one else. Deena's special place, where she feels safe and comforted with no tension, no stress to complicate an already dreadful disease. I'm glad your hubby has said his father can go soemwhere else and I'm sorry that he has let your father take your place at the dinner table. The one person who should put us above all others except God is our husband.
    Hugs Deena.

  4. I hear you....I am sorry for all of your pain. I found you on ZNE...I will be well and kind to yourself.

  5. You are always welcome at our table and I promise there will be a lot of love and laughter, even though my MIL also lives with us. (((H)))


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