OH MY Goodnes!!

My grandsons, Cole , age 6 & Caleb, age 4 are here.

When they got here , Cole asked me to come upstairs

to my room with him. He said he had a present for

me and just wanted to be alone with me....so

up the stairs we go. Cole puts his hand in his coat

pocket and pulls it out..... with a button, that you

can wear on your shirt or coat.

It said

"Cancer Sucks"

I looked into his sweet face and just started to cry..he said.."it

does suck gramma cuz it's in there eating away at your nutrition & your muscles."

What a sweet boy he is..his mom didn't even know he had it.

After dinner, the boys played doctor..and I heard them say.."no

I don't see any breast cancer"

OH I just laughed..how funny. We havetalked openly with them & Cole is anxiously awaiting 12/12when "my gramma won't have cancer anymore"

My hearts swells with so much love

Deena

Thursday Thanks & Giving

Here's a peek at my bedroom..My little fat kitty Mya

is laying on the bed, waiting for nap time, but I'm running

around taking pictures to share..

Amber has been doing a Thanks & Giving on Thursdays..so here

are the five things I'm thankful for today

1. My bed room with rose & blues

2. ALL the great comments on my blog

3. My friend, Church, who is awesome.

4. Digital cameras

5. Tylenol PM

Seems like a crazy list, but I have some many things

to be thankful for, I need to do this EVERY Thursday 4 ever.

Here's my giving..my roses at our old house..STOP & SMELL THE ROSES, today

 you may not be able too tomorrow

Check my Nature Blog for more Thanksgiving

Today was good.  I called and reserved the apartment at

Indepence Village for Rich's dad. He'll be staying there, starting the

weekend before my surgery.  

 I talked to friend about how prayers

are always answered. Sometimes healing is done here, sometimes

we go to God to be healed.  Heaven will be glorious. NOT that I'm

going there now, but I can see that God heals that way also.

Tomorrow,  friend Marcia, my daughter Nicole and I are going to store that caters to ladies 

with breast cancer..to get the camis with pockets.  Then for a bite

of lunch.  I need to get some gowns to wear also, but not sure when I'll do that. 

Rich is going to buy a lil fridge for our bedroom, so I can have some ice, juices, and lil snacks 

in my room , so I can be a bit independent.  He will be staying home

with me, but we haven't said how long, just we'll see how it goes.

I'll be giving some folks Rich's cell # for the evening of the 12th.  He'll be staying with me

but I know some folks will want to know how things went. My daughter Nicole will stay

here at our home that evening to take care of the pets, our kitty Mya and dog Hannah.

The grandsons will probably be coming tomorrow.  It'll be pizza night for us!!

I need to go work on the updates for my site...so..I want to thank you all for your

prayers, encouragement and for making me smile each day.

fondly, I am kinda pretty in pink, Deena

A bit of this ..a bit of that

My BFF Marcia, her husband,  Rhea sent this to me, 

it's was labeled 

GOD SMILES!!!

I love nature..God is there, if you look, you KNOW 

He IS..

I'm getting ready to make breakfast for supper. I love breakfast food sometimes

in the evenings.  The boys..Rich and his dad, are having chilli and egg buritos.

I am having some oatmeal with cranberries..and toast.

My breast is hurting all the time the last few days..and the lump feels

bigger.  I can see swelling under my arms where the nodes are. It

is scaring me. I'm going to call Dr Denise, but I am sure

there is nothing to do or worry more about.  In two weeks, at 

this time of day.. 5PM..I should be all down with surgery.

I told Rich NOT to leave me that day, cuz when I wake up, he

will be the one to tell me how many nodes had to go.   He's 

going to stay the night with me that night at the hospital too.

In the days ahead, I plan to stay BUSY and reduce stress as much

as I can.  

Rich has plans to move his dad ..just him and his personals...on the

weekend before my surgery.  The place he is going will keep him

on a month to month lease for 4 months.  This is a huge burden

lifted , it will help us to concentrate on only me.  His dad isn't

ill, just not able to do some things that make it impossible

for him to live alone.

I cried tonight cuz I am scared , and Rich says he is too. Of course

he is handling MY cancer, better than I could handle him with cancer.

This is the first time, I got this dread feeling that I may not

make it ..I'll pray for this feeling to pass.  I don't need any MORE stress.

Good news today from my BFF Marcia..all the tests are back from her

surgery and ALL clear..Praise GOD!!  I need her to love me for 

lots of centuries.  

 I need some EXTRA prayers please.

fondly, Deena

I, ME, DEENA, is having a give away..YIPPEE (new hairdo also)

I want to do some FUN things. SO,

I've decorated my Nature BLOG today,

I found out I  won some GREAT books from

Jan @ the Bold & Free...

I'll need some, a few

days in bed, and I love to READ.

and now  TA DA!!!!

I want to have 

a GIVE AWAY too.

On Saturday eve I'll post the winner of a set of

6 of these little reindeer ornaments. I WUV mine.

Here's my sweet white feather tree decorated with

only my lil deers..

Just comment on THIS post..and you will be stuffed in

Frosty's hat for the drawing. 

Tell your friends too!! 

Many Christmas smiles. Deena

PS ~~I slept so good last night!! I am rested & happy today.

My oldest daughter is going to Cosmetology School..she does the BEST cuts

on me..Here's todays !!! love it

Tried to show the sides..and my cute Power of Pink earrings..

My Fasting is Over

I'm back in "our" bedroom & my praying and fasting are over.

Hubby and I talked openly last night..and he has 

agreed it would be best for his dad to have other care

while I heal . He has sought out some places and 

talked with his dad about it.  We all agree.  Of course

now his dad wants to move to a villa in Florida, but

he is NOT able to live alone.

I am so relieved , I feel it will be best for ALL of us

and it is just for a bit.  

My heart has been hurting ..I do love my hubby

and I told him last night, I dont' want our

marriage ruined..cuz when we are good it is 

wonderful..

He said he feels like he's failed when his wife is

so unhappy.. 

I am anxious, scared and I try to focus on EVERYTHING

but the cancer and the upcoming journey. The house is

decorated except the tree and the ribbons on the street lamps.

I addressed Christmas cards today, worked on updating

The Primitive Gathering, read and re-read my post op instructions,

made a list of things I need to get before the surgery..and now

I have to start on Christmas shopping, from my PC I hope!!!

Nicole, my oldest daughter is coming tomorrow, Tuesday, to cut my

hair, and we may go out to get some camisoles made for

women who have had breast surgery...with pockets to

carry my drains around in.. teehee..anything to make it fun.

On Thanksgiving, only my youngest daughter came over..and

we girls sat in the dining room to eat..Rich and his dad sat in the

kitchen to eat.. I made lots of food, turkey, gravy, rolls, sweet potato casserole,

deviled eggs, stuffing, pumpkin pie..I had more to make

but when I found out my two oldest wouldn't be coming, I decided we

had plenty to eat. I had hoped for a full house, but I know my kids

can only go so many places and the boys get tired too.

It was good to have Mercedes home, I miss her so much, but she's

grown and doing QUITE well on her own.

I hardly slept last night, I don't know why..but I did take a nap today..and I

plan to go to bed early tonight..I'm reading a sweet book by

Debbie Mac Comber called "Christmas Wishes"

I love her light love stories at Christmas 

thank you all for your prayers, friendship, encouragement and love

it means so much..Deena

Just Me

Saying Good Morning to all my friends.

I had a HARD time sleeping last night, so

I bet I'll be napping today!

We have some SNOW

Yes, that is snow flying through the air.

check my Nature Blog

for some more  pictures..I actually arose from

my bed to snap pictures.

I'll be posting my house on the " Christmas Tour of Homes" too

before my surgery..if I can post ahead and have it

publish on 12/17..

Please check my Art Blog for the details.

Thank you all for your kind words of support. I am determined to

get the RIGHT thing done here, I may ask my children

for intervention as a group in the next week..Something has

got to give..and does it have to be me???

My husband said today.  "I am afraid you are not up for this fight"

meaning the cancer, he sees me sinking..WELL!!

HELLO!!!! Do SOMETHING then..don't let me die.

humbly, 

deena

From my friends

Mary of Mary's Writing Nook & other fun Blogs, sent this my way yesterday.

I also received a lovely card  in the postal mail from Sharon of Rose of Sharon...and

a sweet AEC from Mollye Self's?? daughter?? Melissa..along with the

Bulletin from her church in Shreveport , Louisiana

requesting prayers and my name is on it!!

Thank you to all of you. Keep praying, time is flying by.

fondly, Deena

Bad Days

Things here are not good. My husband doesn't talk to me. 

I'm sleeping alone.

Praying for 2.5 years has revealed no answer, surely I must have

cut myself off from God.

When life is bad, I try to hide . ..lest I alienate friends, what few true 

friends I have.  I am feeling sorry for ME and that doesn't do any good.

My husband has not put me first...nor will he ever. Someone told me

he isn't showing love and support, they must have been correct. I 

only matter if I can be happy here with his dad here, he told

me once , be happy or get out.  I suppose I should hit the road.

I need to be alone & stay alone.

I know I am not the only one with hurts..or has an illness. I am going to pray

that I stop being self centered and find a way to live alone.

Surprises in the Mail

My sweet friend, Linda of Remember When Farm

made this wonderful box & filled it with treats

Hot chocolate pouches & a CD , glitzy pin, chocolates, 

a bookmark, lovely tissues!

She even sent me some PINK slippers..they'll be going

to the hospital with me.  She's such a dear..and I love her

stitching and her boxes!!

This journal is from Betsy of Foothill Primitives

with a turkey feather from Lana. 

I love the fabric and the feather..with a lil

candle light .

Thank you for making my day Linda and Betsy!!

fondly, Deena

May Your Thanksgiving Be Blessed

We'll be sharing Thanksgiving with our children & grands tomorrow

Quite a full house.

 Our home looks like Christmas inside & we may

get some snow tonight!!  

I hope each of you have a happy day

with giving thanks for all the gifts God has given us.

I am so blessed with a husband, 3 children, 6 grandsons , the Lord

who gave His son for us & a nestle in the Singing Woods.

Fondly, Deena

Praise God, MY BFF has NO cancer!!!

Oh I am so happy!! She's out and doing good..and no

cancer..so just the left side of her thyroid gland is gone.

She has to stay the night , then comes home tomorrow afternoon.

I am so happy!!! I knew it would be okay, I just KNEW it.

Her husband, son, brother, a cousin and I were all there.

I think she had TOO big of a peanut gallery.. I left early ...

because..

my poor dear dog Hannah pushed out of the fence today, she was

gone for about 7 hours..someone further up Singing Woods, called ..left

a message..& I went to rescue her.  She was shaking , she was so scared..and 

can hardly walk, but she's home..I guess she'll be in to see the vet next.

What a draining day..The hospital is the one I'll have surgery in..and it

was SO busy..and UGH I'm not looking forward to it..

but..that's another day.. back to decorating a bit this evening.

thanks for all the prayers..

and thanks to Sally who hung a loaf of fresh baked bread

on the front door..how sweet!!

I got a surprise in the mail, pictures tomorrow..

Deena

I'm smiling again!!!

My dear new, sweet friend Mary of Treasures to Me , gave me this award today

Now it's official, I AM fabulous.

Thanks to Mary and all my new and old friends for all the prayers and encouragement,

it means more than you can ever know..

Tomorrow my BFF Marcia, has surgery for possible thyroid cancer.  I'll be there at admitting 

so I can see her  before she goes in, and then I'll be waiting..and journaling..till the docs come

out to tell us it's ALL CLEAR and NO cancer

Deena

I Feel Like Hiding

Just climbing in to bed & staying there.  INSTEAD , I am decorating for Christmas.

I love getting in to ALL the boxes & finding treasures I forgot I had.

It's like Christmas day !! Lots of presents I'm giving our Home again this year.

fondly, Deena

Awesome Poster

This poster was made by a few members of 

the Yahoo group .. Paper Whimsy.

I LOVE it & Gale Blair of Paper Whimsy 

gave me permission to use it.

WooHoo, I found it for sale on the Paper Whimsy Website ..and bought TWO copies.

Thank you Gail & the rest of your group!!..Tis so kind of you!!

fondly, deena

Struggling Today

It has not been a good day.  I am struggling with the fact that my

father in law lives with us, because he can't take care of himself.

So,  I'm thinking, who will be taking care of him, when I can't take

 care of myself?? I want my hubby all to myself for the next few months..I want to 

be able to feel comfortable in my home, to reduce the resentment I 

feel.  

My own father is in a nursing home with Alzheimer's in Florida. I have step mom too, I have

not told them about my diagnosis, because what can they do?? Stress out,  never have

good days..they can't come visit..dad has no phone in his room, and my step mom, well 

she's not a mom.  I never had a mom.  

My daughter was here today..cuz I called her flipping out and 

crying hard. She came right over.  I felt so bad, upsetting her..by

the time she got here ..I had it together..and just felt naseaous ..but I

didn't tell her.  

I've been a mom with kids at home for 35 years...I get my last sweet daughter

raised..and she's moved out..and now I have a FIL and cancer, and I'm not

sure which is worse.   Thank God for my loving husband. 

 Some days 

are not so good, most days are great.  I know winter is upon us, I'm a hermit

then..so I know this is the best time to be ill, but it's also overcast lately

and I want the sun to shine on my face.

I can't open the windows and hear my bird friends in the winter. That makes

life so amazing..to hear owls, crickets, frogs and coyotes at night, and wake

to the songs of birds in the morning.

I went to my new doctor yesterday, mine retired from practice.  I 

met a sweet nurse there who just had the SAME surgeries as I 

am going to have.  She was so sweet and kind..She showed me 

her "no hair" but she had a great lil wig on.  She showed me the top

of her breast line and it looked wonderful.  It is good to 

know others have done this, survived it..and are willing to help and share.

I wish my husband was home..and he would just cuddle me and tell

me it will all be fine, he'll be here ..and the days ahead we'll be facing 

together will make us strong  and strengthen our marriage and our faith.

He'll be home..the grandsons are coming too.  They'll give gramma hugs

and snuggles too.

Perhaps this weekend we can find some time to spend together..I want to

get all we need for Thanksgiving.  

Rich and I talked frankly today before he left for work  about the days to come. 

 He finally realizes how

hard this will be , BUT together we can get through it.  I don't know how

a single woman can get through this ..my dear family helps so much.  Just

knowing they love me and are there is my source of strength..

I wish I could have accepted the invitation to travel

to a small primitive antique shop at a nearby town with

my friend, Sally, but alas my head and tummy hurt too much..

I have HOPE and FAITH tomorrow ..or even this evening will be better.

fondly. Deena

 

I learned some things, An Awesome Documentary

Last night, on Dish Network, documentary channel, was 

great documentary called "Breast Cancer Diaries" 

The picture above is Ann with her youngest.. her son

was about 4 and such a sweet young man.

It was about Ann Murray Paige & her journey with

breast cancer. She was 38 when diagnosed and she two little babes.

She found her lump with a self exam. I found her journey

to be frightening, enlightening and very educating for me.

I am so glad I have grown children.  It was so hard on

her babes to go without their mom for so long.

I especially learned about the chemotherapy process..and what

it entails. Even though I had an idea..I didn't know exactly how

it was administered.

The good thing..after about a year, Ann was happy, healthy and 

beautiful again.  Her hair DID grow back with a bit of curl. She

opted to have BOTH breasts removed, even though only one 

had the cancer..and she has NO reconstruction.  From watching

her story, I feel the only option to her was implants, which I 

would not do either.  She was courageous, had a loving supporting

family..and they all went to Boston to stay with her parents , so

there was help with the children.  

WELL!!! of course last night, I dreamed I was doing chemo

& I tell ya, tis what scares me most.  They were most AWFUL dreams. 

Why must the nights by so SCAREY??

 My husband thinks the 

surgery is when I'll need him most, but from Ann's story, the

chemo is what kicks your butt!  She had 8 of them.. 2 weeks apart

and just when she felt decent after each dose, it was time

for another.  Her hair was gone after the 2nd treatment.

She wore hats & a wig outside, but not at home.  

I am thankful she shared her story..for me and for everyone

who may be touched by this.  She said for a year, she felt 

her life was about her being a cancer patient..not a woman, mom, wife, daughter, sister or 

friend..   She DID find peace, health..and she said ..now she takes time

out to just go outside and look at what flowers bloom.  She breaks silly

rules and spends as much time as possible with her family.  She even left her

job as a Special Reporter for a Public TV station AFTER she got well.

Here's an interview with her..she was even cute BALD

I also realize HOW hard this will be on my family & friends..especially my

dear hubby, but I look forward to the OTHER side of this journey and

the health that awaits me.

God will see us through this and whatever the outcome..it will be His will

and I will be joyous.

fondly, Deena

My Christmas Tree ( with Mary Birds)

Here it is ..with birds from my sweet friend Mary &

a wonderful birdhouse from dear Jen,    Sorry the 

quality is so bad. The tree has lights, but I can't find

my extension cord!! LOL

I'll get it lit today. Can you see the sun on the tree tops in the woods?? LOVELY

See the Santa up on the wall in the back..??? Was a gift 

from Rachael last year. I love him!!!

I'm honored ..I have been awarded

for 

{Keeping it Real}

" for boldly chronicling her journey with Breast Cancer and 

looking at the bright side of things"

from a wonderful Blogger friend

Jan Parrish!!! 

She is so inspiring.. I love her blog and her personality.

I am HONORED to know she is praying for me also!!

thank you Jan

Fondly, Deena

Monday Nov 12...

So many things have happened since this journey began on

October 25th. I can't believe all the decisions we've had

to make & all that will be coming.

Rich and I went for my pre surgery tests today..just two

vials of blood..and my nurse was so good..I barely felt

anything at all!!  Then on to the next place for 

chest X rays.

That took about 30 minutes from start to finish. woohoo, was that

good. We went for fruit smoothies cuz I couldn't eat today and

on to see the plastic surgeon

OH MY GOSH, his name is Glyn Jones, he's HANDSOME, and I thought he was

from the U.K, but I found he was raised in Zimbabwe.

Click here to read his bio

(not a good pic of him)

Love his accent, his kind eyes , gentle hands and way

of making you feel lovely.

Rich said I'd have shown him my breasts even if he WASN"T a doctor.

ROFL, hubby is always hilarious!! and that is good .

So here's the deal . In the wee hours of Dec. 12th, ONE month from today,  I will go into

Order of St Francis Medical Center, at 7.40 AM I will received

my radioactive injection & about 2 hours later, my surgery 

will begin. 

Dr. Mammolito( here's a lil bio on her) will begin with a mastectomy, doing the lymph node biopsy

& then possibly doing a radical mastectomy (meaning taking the lymph nodes too)

This surgery should be about 1.5 hours

Then Dr. Jones team will take over for about 3.5 hours. Taking skin from my abdomen

to make a NEW right breast .  It's more than skin..it's muscle and fatty tissue..

Tis alot of surgery, anywhere from 3 to 5 days in the hospital,getting up the very next day, moving moving..keeping my strength and with meds and stocking and stuff to keep my legs from clotting.. coming home with tummy and 

breast drains and a catheter type pump with pain meds going in 24/7

and also an IV with meds too.  

The breast drains stay in about 5 days, the tummy drain 7-10 days.

I'll see the doctor on 12/20, so I have to get up and about. Hubby plans to take the 

day of the surgery off..and when I get home..he plans to take time off to 

take care of me AND his dad.  His decision to go back to work will depend on

my healing progress.

We counted the good things..

they are

1. New breast

2. Lift on the other breast

3. Tummy tuck..(thats where the new breast comes from)

4. Possibly curly hair after chemo

5. My eyelashes may grow back thicker.

6. Hubby has to wait on my 24/7 for a bit

7. I get out of all housework for at least a week.

8. I may loose weight

The bad things..we aren't counting, we ONLY want to look at the 

positives.

It's alot of surgery, but I think I need to make this the best it can

be ..get all healed, look younger and by Spring, I'll be gardening!!

I like that I'll have about 3 weeks to get ready for Christmas

and hopefully I'll be feeling little pain by Christmas. 

I hope to have my family here for Christmas breakfast.

 Life 

can change in the blink of an eye and you'll never see it coming. 

 I hope

I can be a help and comfort to others. 

I can't believe what 

great attitudes Rich and I have been keeping. I thank God for

my dear hubby and all my loving family and friends.

My bestest friends, Marcia, Michele & Sherry...you 

are my heart and soul and I love you all so much!!

I may not post everyday now..until closer to surgery unless there

is something new in the wind.  Please pray for us real hard

on 12/12  when I begin my transformation.

I'm in such good hands..with AWESOME doctors

and an AWESOME God!!

 Living in the hometown of

Susan Komen, where the Komen Foundation began.

praise God!!

fondly, Deena

The Weekend was Good

Yesterday Rich and I went to lunch, I painted a coat 

on the shutters and then we watched a movie

from 2006..

Beowulf & Grendel

...enjoyable..

Today I went to see "Martian Child" with John Cusack

it was a wonderful heart warming film..I think I fell in

love with John Cusack today..his roll was GREAT

and the story was TOUCHING.  About a man who

adopts a boy..I can't tell you anymore ..as you need to see it!!

I went two friends who use to work at the bank with me.  One friend, Patty

I hadn't seen for 3?? maybe 4 years..and we use to be so close. 

The other friend, Cindy

has always kept in touch AND she always makes me laugh.  

We went for a light lunch and began asking questions about 

my breast cancer, which I am glad to answer. 

It was so good to be with friends who know you so well.

I received an email with a photo from one of my internet friends today , with her

sweet granddaughters, it was so sweet and I just smiled at my friend and the girls.

Lately  I've reflected on friends, and how some mean so much to you

and yet, they seem to be too busy to take time to call or email. 

Any friend that I loose , I grieve for..and lately I have been

trying to deal with the loss of a group of friends.  

Each friend meant so much .. I pray that God helps me deal with

the loss of a handful of friends..and helps me to let them go. I also

pray I treat everyone with God's love.  

I have been quite melancholy tonight, I just need to rest my mind

and wake up to another day tomorrow.

I'll be going for all my pre surgery tests tomorrow  & the plastic surgeon

visit after that.  I'm praying for God to help me make a decision 

about the breast reconstruction..I don't really feel I want it

but hubby thinks I should for me. I just want to be well as 

soon as I can be & not go through numerous surgeries.

Praying for wisdom to help me deal with my current issues.

I hope tomorrow brings a POSITIVE attitude ..not this

what's the use attitude.

I think I'll need a sleeping aid tonight, my mind isn't at rest.

night ~~ Deena

The Sweetest Words

On Friday evening when I was with my daughter's two boys

Cole who's 6 and Caleb who's 4, we were all snuggled

in beds , watching a movie.

Caleb said " I don't love you gramma"

Oh the hurt, a knife in my heart, but I know

kids say things they feel at the time, but really

don't mean.

Cole said "Caleb , why don't you love our gramma?"

Caleb " cuz when we're bad, she's mean"  

I laughed and told Cole at least he realizes it's only when

he's bad. 

Cole said to me

"Gramma I'll love you forever, even when I'm in Heaven"

My heart over flowing with love said, " Cole , remember this, Gramma

will love you forever too, even when I'm in Heaven"

Cole is such a kind , sweet, loving boy who will usually do whatever

you ask . Caleb is a sweet, mischevious boy, who rarely listens

and loves to bully and hurt his younger brother.  I love them both

so much, I could never have imagined loving so hard when I was younger.

Life has brought me such love & now I feel so blessed by God's gifts..More than 

I ever imagined I would have!!

OH, before I left the boys Friday night..Caleb said " I love Gramma"

Of course I knew that all along..  

I'm fighting this for MY FAMILY, my FRIENDS and for 

everyone to see through me our Lord and Saviour!!

Jesus.

I just want all of you who read this to know

how much each loved one is loved by me..

and how much each internet friend means to me.

Enjoy the Lord's day & celebrate the gift of life

fondly, Deena

(who's coming to terms with the PINK thing)

A sweet gift

Arrived in the mail on Friday.

The timing was perfect. It was wrapped so

sweetly, with a teeny tag hand written

"For pretty Deena, who sits at the edge of The Singing Woods"

My delight ZNE friend , Gail Schmidt, Shabby Cottage Studio

made this lovely  two sided ornament.

Thank you Gail for the kindest and love 

***************************************

My dear friend, Sally , from ZNE and Art in the Word, brought

soup over tonight. Some for me, some without meat for hubby!!

Sally lives about 5 minutes from me & I met her through an 

online Yahoo Group of Christian artists. God sent her to

me right before my diagnosis. He know I needed her friendship

Thank you Sally for the caring and thank you God for the friend.

fondly, Deena

Thursday's Visit

I made poor hubby take a couple pictures of me

out by my favorite tree in the front yard be

fore we left.

A wonderful paper birch.

I went with the expectation it would be a teeny lump

so I would have lumpectomy. So I'm in good spirits..

We got to the surgeon's office at 3.30 PM so I could fill out 

pages of paperwork..LOL, I even filled out the part 

that asked me ..height..weight...blood pressure..OOPS when I saw

the pulse I said..OH I filled this out, I think it's for my nurse.

Ok, YES I am a doofus!!!  When we finally got into the "tiny" room

she laughed when she saw what I'd done..when she took my 

blood pressure (I'd filled in 120/80) Ok I KNOW you're roaring..

she said  "you guessed pretty close ..it's 116/68"

YES, call me THE DOOFUS!!!

The nurse came back in ..about 10 minutes later saying Dr Mammolito

might be another 20 minutes, by this time it was 5.20 PM..did I want some 

magazines.

Well by this time hubby was "acting UP" so I told her no..he's quite entertaining.

LOL

He looks in the cabinets..OH I said ..GET OUT, that's not your stuff.. I have NEVER done that...

THEN there was a blue sheet hanging on one wall, so he started doing the WEATHER...

We sat in there and talked and giggled for 40 minutes..OMG ..we laugh at the 

dumbest things..

When Dr Mammolito came in..looking sharp in a black wool pant suit

with a bit of black leather trim on her lapels..Cute hair...shook our hands and 

said "I'm Denise"!!!!!!!!!!! Woohoo someone who's first name isn't DR..

I LIKE this lady!! ..then she said she was sorry for the delay..and she said she'd heard 

us laughing.. from the next room with her patient ...OMG..we are BAD!!!

She goes to work..she READS my CHART..omg..most doctors ask me the questions

I've just filled out..nope not Denise, she READS the answers..I wuv her even MORE.

Then she asks me what I know, which is basically, I have cancer in my right breast...

So she begins her exploration of MY breast..

She grabs my mammograms..my sonograms and the MRI reports

I tell you , the minute I see my right breast mammogram, I am MAD!! I mean furious

with myself for believing this lil Fairy Tale of a simple lump ..

It's WAY evident ..one that is large, it's spreading..the under arm lymph node(s) are

bad..and I'm in for bad news.

She looks them over really good, measures them..looks at them hard again..

does a breast examine and finds the lymph nodes too...

She goes out to get a drink of water.. it's about 6 PM and she's been talking ALL day

and comes back in.

While she's gone ..I turn to Rich with FIRE in my eyes and say..I'm SO mad!!!!

He says ...good ..you'll fight this!!!

So the good news is ..I won't need radiation..cuz the breast will be gone..

She'll start the surgery with a mastectomy and  a 'sentinel node bioposy'

After the node is removed, it will be tested ..I'll have radioactive material in

me ..as that will highlight the cancer..then she may have to do a "radical mastectomy"

to remove the nodes under the arm area.. The lymph node involvement means the cancer

is NOT contained..it's possible it has gone into my body..Here comes chemotherapy 

into the conversation.. Also , the cancer has spread into my milk ducts and moved

out from the tumor like lil side roads..UGH..

Invasive Lobular Carcinoma isn't always found by mammograms. I had one last year

and I got the all clear on that mammo. If your breast tissue feels different TELL YOUR 

DOCTOR, a sonogram is better and MRI will show more. 

Bottom line..the breast has to go, you'll need chemotherapy..now lets talk about the 

four drains you'll come home with..in your breast..let's talk about lymphodema, let's talk about  breast restoration..

Did you know ..the law says if we have a mastectomy, insurance HAS to cover breast restoration??? I didn't ..but it sounds like one win for women's health!!!

So, the plastic surgeon would come in right after Dr Denise is done

and start the breast restoration ..the same time..If  I want a nipple....

(!!! wait right there, a nipple ..will it be mine...!!!)

no she says..your's has cancer in it....

!!! I ask..will it be a real nipple!!!

 

a lil voice next to me says (yeah a real one, they get them from pigs)~~~~

it's my DARN husband..pointing out I'm a doofus!! 

and the doctor says to me

WILL YOU KICK HIM PLEASE!!

We all crack up..

apparently the nipple isn't real..just for looks and 

they tattoo the areola on !! LOL

Ok, so ..they may take abdomen or back skin from me

for my new breast..(a tummy tuck I think) ..

this could be good..

So..we talk alot more..we decide I'll talk to the plastic surgeon before anything is

set in stone!!  So Monday ..11/12 I go for my pre tests..blood ..chest xray...etc..

and then at 3.30 I meet with the plastic surgeon for a consultation..to see if 

I want a new breast.  Hubby will go with me and he has PROMISED to 

1.. be good

2.. support the decisions I make about MY body.

By now..it's 7 PM and I thinking ..even though doctors make 

good money, there's no time for their life..and I wouldn't want

to have that kind of life.

My daughter Nicole calls just as we get in the car. I tell 

her the news..try to make light of it..and we go home to

feed the dad and my sweet Hannah dog..

Then Rich and I go out to eat ..I have a Carmel Appletini

eat my supper and beg to go home to bed. 

I'm up at 2 AM with night sweats and crying..at 3.30 I go back to bed

and at 6AM I'm waking my self up again crying.  Horrible night mares

blood drenched body parts..Oh..I hate the night fears..Rich wakes up

holds me while I SOB..just SOB.. 

Tis the first time..I have teared up..but not sobbed..it's finally hit me.

I tell my dear hubby"I can't think of anyone I would rather have cancer with"

"you're my rock & my knight in shining armor"

I mean it..he's such a good man..

We have yet to talk about his dad..but I'll be down for a bit..healing for 6 weeks, then 

moving on to CheMo..which is what I do NOT want to do..I've seen what it does

and I don't want to be that sick..

 I want to be well by Spring..and back to gardening..

time to say ttfn..the grandsons are here for a bit..and I have to enjoy them

..we're going to watch 

Ratattouilli

I don't like RATS!!

but ..we'll see ..

thanks for all the support..

and I pray my blog helps someone other than me too!!

Praise God

Here's the skinny

Hubby & I went into the surgeon's at 3.30 for a 4 PM appt.

We left the surgeons at 7 Pm!!! Oh my ...

I have invasive lobular carcinoma, 

she won't know in what stage until after the surgery..which will be sometime after 

Thanksgiving..and before Christmas.  The surgery?? UGH..a mastectomy with

with lymph nodes to be tested at the time of surgery, possibly 

a radical mastectomy. 

Not what I'd hoped for, but we'll get through this ..I'll write more tomorrow

I am so tired. I'm going to bed now with my body pillow.  smiles to my friends

Deena

No feeling SORRY

for me..Rejoice with me in the fact that 

I have loving family & friends and 

that God has me in the palm of His hand!!

love in Him

Deena

My friend Mollye

sent this to me today..she's a dear

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things i can,

and the wisdom to know the difference

Yesterday was GOOD

My BFF (best friend forever) ..teehee, Marcia came to visit

AFTER her pre testing for surgery the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.

She has possible Thyroid cancer & they will do one  of the

gland (tis like a butterfly) and test ..then decide if the rest has

to be remove.   Tis a scarey time for both of us.

She brought me a MAGNIFICENT treasure

which I will share on my Nature Blog on

Friday's "Show & Tell"   Oh it's just divine!!

We had lunch, talked & just enjoyed our friendship!! I am 

so blessed to have a friend like her. She's been my BFF for 22 years!!

Tis a lifetime. A TRUE friend is a friend through life, the ups & downs, the 

disagreements..even the hurts. They are a friend in DEED not just WORDS. 

They love you unconditionally !! God has blessed me with a handful of those

friends. Thank you JESUS!!!

I  talked to Joanne, a BLOG friend , Moss Hill Studio,  on the phone. She was so sweet to

email me & call. It was wonderful to talk to someone who is freshly through

this journey . She's still in the process of healing too. Today is one year

since she was diagnosed. 

Of course yesterday brought a case of nerves and hubby

asked me to take a Tylenol PM so I could sleep. I did

and slept QUITE well.  His alarm woke me up

&  I rose early, but at least the sun was up first.

Hubby will be home early from work & we'll be on the road before 3.30

..Of course I will post the news later today..

Thank you all for your visits, comments, emails, phone calls, and LOVE!!

fondly, Deena

It's Getting Close to "CHaT" day

Instead of worrying about it, Nicole (my oldest daughter and middle child)

came over & cleaned the house. Then we took pictures!!!  Lots of them, 

some are just for ME, just in case I loose a breast (which I am not planning, nor do I 

think I will). Had some yummy BBQ chicken pizza too!!

 

We also took some pictures of US!!  I have my new earryings in too!

 We laughed so hard.

My grandson Cole, who's 6, took some pictures of us

2 girls, well maybe 3 girls as my Hannah dog wanted to join

in the fun.

Time for some beauty sleep for the Princess!

thanks for caring..each one of you !!

Deena

Monday Nov. 5th

I heard from a friend, Dana, who I had not "talked" to for a bit. It was so

nice to hear from her. I cherish every friend I have. Later she sent

my the Pretty In Pink blinkie above.  If it's suppose to blink

it probably lost something in translation on my MACbook.

I kept busy, working with a new friend, Lennea who will

opening a new website soon. I believe it will be a most eclectic

site..here's a peak

http://www.creativecallstudios.com

I will have a shop of my own there for when

I am well enough to create again.  

Hubby ate dinner with ME last night. He is getting the idea

that I miss my place at the table. One would think his dad would 

encourage him to dine with me, but that is NOT the case. Some 

days I feel it's a struggle to see who can get the most attention

from Rich.  That's so wrong..I feel Rich must be torn between

the two of us..and my place should be at the top..

Four verses in the bible refer to this 

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife : and they

shall be one flesh" Genesis 2:24

That's not to say you LEAVE your parents  and never care for them.  I believe it also addresses the issue that parents should know that a man should make his wife

his soul mate, help mate and partner .  

I suppose as a non believer the blueprint God left us for marriage,

wouldn't mean anything. 

That is the part I struggle with, why a non believer in our home. I am sure

it is for us to work on saving his soul, but in dealing with it

I can't help but feel the presence of someone who has turned away

from God each time He has knocked on the door.  Of course I can

never know , as Rich's dad doesn't talk to me..he doesn't SPEAK to me

or acknowledge anything I do, or that I am a person , even the 

fact that I have breast cancer. 

 

Oh now you can see how I struggle daily with this. Some days the stress of it just washes over me .  I have prayed & prayed 

& prayed , but I must be closed to God's voice as I have heard no answer. It's been 

over 2 years & I have found no peace.  I would ask for prayers for peace & discernment,

along with the healing power I'll need.  

Two more days & I'll have the answer to the questions I have about

what kind?? what stage?? the size?? the date of surgery & what comes

after that.  I have a counselor also, so I'll be seeing her on

Friday..perfect timing..I'll need some help sorting out my fears.

I finally spoke with my youngest daughter about my cancer.  She is not 

going to be easy to talk to about it. I know she has a hard time 

being open with me, but I will continue to encourage her to

know I am open to anything she would ever want to discuss.

As a youngster , she was very open.  She told me once "Mom, I'll never

leave you...we'll be angels in Heaven together"   ..as I write those words

I am crying..as that is the most wonderful thought..and I pray it's 

true that someday we will ALL be angels in Heaven.  Till then

I want to be an "angel" here on Earth.  So pray with me

that we show God's love here on Earth to each we meet or 

cross paths with.

one last thing***

I opened up my Pink Scrap Book & have added some cards and thoughts 

and hope to make it a celebration of healing by God's hand.

thanks to all of you for continuing to help me down this road of life.

fondly, deena

It's been eight days!!

I can't believe it's been eight days since I received my diagnosis.

I feel good &  have been keeping busy. Yesterday during our

errand running, I did get a scrapbook . Tis PINK!! I want to 

keep track of my journey, with thoughts , pictures & momentos.

I've gotten some greeting cards in the mail...they so cheer one up

just to know someone thinks to send a card.  

I got some great Brighton earrings too, 

here they are

I painted more shutters today, worked on a new website & moved

the guest bed into Mercedes old room.  She's my youngest & moved out

in July. Now it doesn't look so empty , but I still have the empty nest, (it's

in my heart) I've been a mom with kids for 35 years & this is quite an

adjustment.  I am glad my kids are grown and on their own, I can't imagine

how hard it would be to be a young mom struggling with breast cancer.

Hubby went out on his motorcycle today ..I hadn't realized how much he'd

been staying at home to be with me until he was gone today.  I'm glad he

felt comfortable enough to leave me at home .  

I have a new internet friend, Mollye, she's been emailing me daily

& she's just so sweet. Her emails bring me a ray of sunshine. I find

it amazing how God puts people in your life JUST when you need them.

Sometimes they need you, sometimes you need them, but God always knows.

We "fell back" this weekend & I am so tired I going to get my PINK jammies

on & grab my body pillow..snuggle under to comforter & read a bit of my

book "Mercy" before I fall asleep.

I'm hoping for a peaceful night with no night fears or bad dreams.

night all, Deena

PS..I forgot, I took a picture of "Sugar" today..my

horse friend down the lane. He wouldn't come see me

today like last Sunday, but he did look when I called for him

LOOK what the PRINCESS got!!

I had a GOD moment today...tis NOT all about ME

Cancer hits millions of women & men.

I know I'll be fine, no matter what ..at the end of this journey.

God is with me in all ways, including my internet 

friends..and BLOG visitors..thank you for taking the time

to comment and/or email me.

YEP..it's me ..Hubby came home yesterday with a present

and it was this GREAT body pillow..I slept so good last night..

now hubby is afraid he's been replaced..LOL , no way!!!! He's

much better to cuddle with.  No night fears last night which was

GREAT..

The grandsons were here last night 

and I thought they were going to take my pillow HOME!!

Today we went to lunch, ran errands, and enjoyed each other.

We talked , but just about how ..if I lose my hair..he'll shave his

AND mine!!

teehee.  

My daily routine is ...LOL routine still.  Not much has changed there

except I am trying to be good to myself ..and to take time to enjoy

God's gift of nature more..(that's easy ..I live in such a wonderful place

of nature)

I still LOVE my hair. (which my daughter recently.cut, colored and highlighted) but the picture above..isn't a good pic of me..considering

my grandson Caleb who is 4 years old took the pic..he did good!!

woohoo