Friday, November 16, 2007

Struggling Today

It has not been a good day.  I am struggling with the fact that my
father in law lives with us, because he can't take care of himself.
So,  I'm thinking, who will be taking care of him, when I can't take
 care of myself?? I want my hubby all to myself for the next few months..I want to 
be able to feel comfortable in my home, to reduce the resentment I 

My own father is in a nursing home with Alzheimer's in Florida. I have step mom too, I have
not told them about my diagnosis, because what can they do?? Stress out,  never have
good days..they can't come has no phone in his room, and my step mom, well 
she's not a mom.  I never had a mom.  

My daughter was here today..cuz I called her flipping out and 
crying hard. She came right over.  I felt so bad, upsetting
the time she got here ..I had it together..and just felt naseaous ..but I
didn't tell her.  

I've been a mom with kids at home for 35 years...I get my last sweet daughter
raised..and she's moved out..and now I have a FIL and cancer, and I'm not
sure which is worse.   Thank God for my loving husband. 

 Some days 
are not so good, most days are great.  I know winter is upon us, I'm a hermit I know this is the best time to be ill, but it's also overcast lately
and I want the sun to shine on my face.
I can't open the windows and hear my bird friends in the winter. That makes
life so hear owls, crickets, frogs and coyotes at night, and wake
to the songs of birds in the morning.

I went to my new doctor yesterday, mine retired from practice.  I 
met a sweet nurse there who just had the SAME surgeries as I 
am going to have.  She was so sweet and kind..She showed me 
her "no hair" but she had a great lil wig on.  She showed me the top
of her breast line and it looked wonderful.  It is good to 
know others have done this, survived it..and are willing to help and share.

I wish my husband was home..and he would just cuddle me and tell
me it will all be fine, he'll be here ..and the days ahead we'll be facing 
together will make us strong  and strengthen our marriage and our faith.
He'll be home..the grandsons are coming too.  They'll give gramma hugs
and snuggles too.

Perhaps this weekend we can find some time to spend together..I want to
get all we need for Thanksgiving.  
Rich and I talked frankly today before he left for work  about the days to come. 
 He finally realizes how
hard this will be , BUT together we can get through it.  I don't know how
a single woman can get through this dear family helps so much.  Just
knowing they love me and are there is my source of strength..

I wish I could have accepted the invitation to travel
to a small primitive antique shop at a nearby town with
my friend, Sally, but alas my head and tummy hurt too much..
I have HOPE and FAITH tomorrow ..or even this evening will be better.
fondly. Deena


  1. Deena,
    I stopped and prayed for you as I was reading your post this evening...
    I can assume that your husband is home by now and you are feeling better... but there will be tomorrow and the tomorrow after that... so I will pray for you each morning to help you get through that day...
    I thank you for sharing your feelings as you feel them... so the rest of us can pray for a specific thing... like helping you to cope with your FIL... on one day and your nausea on another day...
    Be Encouraged... God is there with you.....

  2. Hope and faith will carry you through Deena, but there are always going to be dark days and good days. When I told my 2 teenaged sons about my diagnosis I reminded them that we would all have good and bad days. We need those bad days...or we would never appreciate the good days. When I get to the bottom of a bad day, I know I'll be up for air and when I get up? Oh it will be so sweet. Even 2 years on from diagnosis I still have my good and bad days.

    You have a compounded situation of having your FIL living with you and that is not easy. You naturally want to be front and centre and you have the right to want that. Keep talking with your husband and keep the doors of communication open. It will help.

    If you're finding it harder to come out of the darkness, do speak to your doctor about a prescription for something. Many, many women on the breast cancer journey use something to help with the emotions. I didn't start Effexor until I was about 18 months in, but I'm glad that at that point, when I knew I really needed something I spoke up.

    This is hard physically and emotionally and we need to avail ourselves of whatever we can.

    ((((((((((hugs))))))))) for better days which will come. Have faith. Have Hope.

  3. Deena,

    Sharon couldn't have passed the award to a more deserving recipient. I was honored to make the award for you and am glad that you are enjoying it.

    My aunt is a breast cancer survivor and it is a hard thing to go through. I am so glad you have the love and support of your family.

    If you love birds and the sounds of nature, I suggest that you purchase a CD of bird songs and a couple of nature ones. You can put these in and listen to them as you are recuperating from your surgery. I know it isn't quite the same but the bird songs will soothe your soul.

    Keep your eyes heavenward and lean on God. He will carry you through this.

    I hope you don't mind that I'm adding you to my blogroll so I can keep updated.


  4. Deena,
    Your post is one of the most REAL posts that I have read since I started blogging...sometimes as Christians we tend to blog only the good days...afraid to be real..or someone to think that we are not having enough faith..or whatever else Christians do to each other..I appreciate and share your burden with you in prayer....and I thank you for being real....because I have not had the courage to.....except to family ......I am going through a medicine change...and it is so affecting my emotional and physical it is not life threatening....but I cannot blog about it as family reads my blog and are very quick to pass judgment....and I too have a daughter that lets me cry to her over the phone...and btw..I too have 5 small grandsons..with #6 grandson due in Deena...sweet...lady I did not mean this to be so long...but I do care...and Breast cancer is near and dear to my heart...and I will uphold you in prayer...and your husband as well.....
    Washington State

  5. Dear Deena, You are so bold and so brave. My heart goes out to you as you begin this journey.

    I need to spend some time on your blog to figure out who you are and to understand your whole story...

    Until then, I'd like to echo Sherry's always-right-on advice to try to get as much TLC and understanding as you can. If you'd like to connect with someone who's been there, please feel free to email me anytime. xoxo Jill

  6. Deena,

    I am so sorry you are going through so much at one time. I pray that God will give you strength. How neat that your new nurse is so kind and willing to share with you her experience, it is so important. I hope that you can figure out what to do abuot your FIL, you have big decisions. God is bigger though and He is with there with you.

    Love Sharon

  7. (((h))) You have been on my heart and in my prayers.

    Once again, you are keeping it real. I praise God that you are opening up for your own sake and also for the sake of those who are in the same situation.

    Please read my latest post. I pray that it blesses you.

    2 Thessalonians 3:16
    Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.

  8. wow.
    i can't even remember how i got to your blog now that i've read it.
    it touched me so deeply that it surprised me.
    not knowing you, not knowing anyone that has ever gone through breast cancer, i don't know what drew me to your blog - well, yes i do, but i didn't at the time! - i'm so glad that He steered me to you.
    i've been touched deeply by reading what you're going through and will be adding you to my bloglist so that i may keep up with you.
    if you have an avatar that i can add to my site to steer others to your blog please let me know - prayer heals *praise God* and the more people that know about your blog, the more prayers.

    God bless you,
    I WILL be praying for you,


~**~Your kind remarks are my angel wings~**~